Goodbye old friend.....I will miss you

A year ago Sunday I found out for the very first time in my life that I was pregnant.  It was the happiest I've been outside of adopting my son and marrying my husband.  Now I'm so grateful for the few precious weeks I have with my baby.  I can honestly say I don't regret that transfer for a second.  God blessed me with 2 babies even though they had to go to Heaven.

This year on Sunday was a sad day.  Not because I mourned the loss of my babies, but be cause I mourn the loss of a very dear friend.  Gary was a great friend, co-worker, and Father figure.   We had alot of great times together over the last 13 years.  Today I was reading a poem written about him by another co-worker and I was remembering all the stories he told and funny things he said.  He was such a character and someone who really taught me to lighten up and not take things so seriously.

We were so close that outside of my immediate family, the person I called first when I found out I was pregnant was Gary.  He was SO happy for me.  He saw me go through the struggles of infertility and adoption.  He retired a few years ago, but we always kept in touch and got together with my other co-workers as often as we could.

Gary had a massive heart attack that took his life Sunday afternoon.  I am having a hard time realizing that he's really gone.  It all feels like a bad dream.  I want to wake up and call my friend Gary.  Gary chose to be cremated.  He wasn't a religious man for the most part and so he didn't want a funeral or a service or anything.  His wife decided to have a memorial service anyway.  That won't be for another couple weeks though.  HOW am I supposed to go?  HOW am I to face the reality that he's gone?  I don't know, but I have to do it.  Even though Gary would be cursing us for attending a service for him, I have to go.

I just wish he would have stayed with us longer.  He was only 65.  Work parties just won't be the same without him.  Who am I going to call when I need someone to listen to me and not judge me?  Who's going to call me late in the afternoon to tell me some crazy movie that's on that I could care less about.  While annoying sometimes, I'll miss that.  I'll miss all his stories about the places he had worked and things he had seen.  Gary was more than a co-worker, more than a friend.  He was family.

I'll miss you old friend......

Just an update

Wow!  It's hard to believe it's been a month since I last posted to this blog.  Alot has been going on in our personal lives and I've just not taken the time to sit down and type.

Zach's party went well.  He got lots of cool things.  He and his friends went swimming and had cupcakes and ice cream.  All was well.  My mother in law did come (I invited her.  I either have a big heart or I'm just crazy).  For the most part she acted nice.  As nice as she could be at least.  That is until she was leaving.  Then she decided to start stuff with Greg.  Much to my surprise Greg put her in her place and sent her on her way.  So all in all a great party.  I still can't believe my baby is 9.

The same weekend AF started and didn't leave for a whole week.  She was NOT nice to me either.  Full flow and very painful the whole time.  I'm just glad she finally came (and finally left) and hopefully now I can get back on schedule.  Also that weekend I got the bill for the storage of our embryos.  UGH!  What a weekend that was.

I'm still not sure I want to do another transfer.  I've been trying my best to find another route, but none seem to work for us.  I know at some point I'm going to have to just give in to God's will.  I normally don't have alot of trouble with that, but this time, the fear of my heart getting broken again is keeping me from moving forward with another transfer.  The money is not there for us to go yet so I've been able to use that excuse for a little while, but in another couple of months we WILL have the money and then I'm going to have to face my fear I guess.  Knowing this is God's will for my family and knowing it's what I'm supposed to do, but having this horrible fear of another miscarriage is NOT good.  I know I'll go back to CA one last time, fear or no fear, but how do I focus on staying positive when I REALLY don't want to do this.  All I know to do is just pray, pray, pray that these next embryos will be very strong and able to make it no matter how much their Mommy worries that they won't.

It bothers me that I see almost all the original bloggers I followed last year have either had their babies or are about to have them.  Makes me SO sad.  We dealt with infertility years ago and then ended up adopting our precious son.  Now to be dealing with it yet again feels like we just started all over.  I hate the feeling of being a failure.  I know that it's not my fault, but when you have not one, but two miscarriages, it's hard to question what you did wrong.

On a happy note, my boss offered me a new position Friday.  He asked me to be the SUPERVISOR over my department!!!!!  I said yes!!!!  I am thrilled and nervous all at the same time.  I've worked with these guys for a long time.  Some for as much as 10 years.  Still I'm nervous about how they will feel having me as their boss instead of co-worker and how I'll handle being their boss when we have to deal with the tough issues that come up sometimes.  On the other hand I think it's a great opportunity for me and I never dreamed that at 33 years old that I'd be a supervisor at my company.  I was a supervisor at Kro.ger when I was a teenager, but that's nothing like this.

Now that my professional life is moving up I pray that my personal life (or more my personal feelings) will get better too.