Been a while & Merry Christmas

I haven't blogged in about a month now. We've been very busy on the house and on just living life as a family of 3. We took some family pictures in front of the Christmas tree this year.  Our first family picture in several years.

On the embryo adoption front, we are 90% sure we will be going back for one more transfer either the end of March or first part of April. It's taken me this last month to finally decide that I want to try again. My husband is just sort of leaving it up to me. He wants another child, but doesn't want to push me since it's my body that will go through all of this.

Our house in coming along nicely. It's really been a good stress reliever actually. Painting has really helped me relax and process everything that's happened over the last months.

I'm finally excited about trying again. :~)

Latest happenings in our world

I went last week for my weekly beta test. I will be SO glad when these are over. My number was down to 315 which is good. Hopefully just one more time and my numbers will be back to zero. (Whew!) I've heard women take months to get back to zero so I'm very pleased that it will have taken me just a little more than a month.

AF showed up just like clock work. Exactly 30 days from the date I miscarried I got AF. Glad my body isn't all jacked up and is still working right. Hopefully that cyst went right along with AF.

On the weight side I'm still losing. I'm down a total of 15lbs so far and I'm feeling SO great. My clothes are getting lose and I LOVE that feeling. Just 25lbs to go until my first goal!!! I was thinking the other day about how I'd treat myself once I got my 40lbs off. I think I'll treat myself to a massage!!! I love getting them and it will also be good to get the blood flowing before transfer. :~)

We have been super busy working on our house lately. We want to get as much done (hopefully everything) as possible before we head back to CA for another FET. Our goal is to finish everything by Jan 1 and then from then until March or April save up enough to do another FET. I'm thrilled with the way the house is looking. We've painted cabinets, put in new flooring in the living room, installed new countertops, and several other smaller projects. We've needed to do these things for a very long time, but kept putting it off thinking we'd adopt again and use the money for that instead. I finally got to a point where I said we should just fix the house and hold off on the adoption (or FET since we are doing that now) until we had the house totally fixed up. Then that would be one less worry for me while going through this next cycle.

I expect I'll be talking to Dr. K in another week or so about what we plan to do next. He told me a while back that we'd talk as soon as my numbers were back to zero. I'm curious to hear his thoughts on our decision to wait and to see what he would suggest doing next time around. I'm also hoping to talk to him about insurance. My insurance will cover up to $14k in fertility treatments, but I'm not sure if we qualify since we used donor embryos. Last time we didn't try to file on insurance because we wanted to hurry up and get the transfer done. We paid out of pocket. This time we are waiting a while so I figure it doesn't hurt to see if insurance will cover at least Dr. K's fee so that all we'll pay for is our travel.

As for emotionally I'm feeling really good. Of course I wish I was still pregnant, but I know now that there was a reason God took my babies home and I can accept that. I'm not 100% ready for another FET, but I'm sure by next year I probably will be. I think for now I'm just so focused on fixing up our house that the FET isn't really on my mind. However, I have been thinking about what we would do if this next transfer doesn't take and I'm 90% sure this transfer will be our last. Yes I know we've only done one so far, but my son will be 9 next year and I just think if this one doesn't work that it's time to stop and accept that he'll be an only child. Not the end of the world by any means, but not something I really wanted either. However, we need to move forward as a family so after this next transfer I think we're done.

All that said, I am SO expecting this time to work!!! :~) I joke with a friend of mine that I'm waiting for her (or she's waiting for me, we're not really sure). She and I met through email when we adopted our boys. We've talked via email almost daily every since (that was 9 years ago) and we've met in person a few times and taken a family vacation together as well. She's hoping to adopt again and I told her a long time ago that we'd have to adopt at the same time again. Well looks like that's God's plan because when one of us gets held up, then the other of us gets held up. So I'm hoping we BOTH get moving really soon and quit holding each other up. LOL

Latest checkup and plans for the future

I had a doctor appointment last Wednesday. My numbers were down to 1112 and I now have a cyst in my uterus. My OB said the cyst should go away on it's own after I have a few periods.

We were talking about going back to CA for another FET in January, but after doing more thinking we think it might be best if we wait until March or April instead.

We have alot of work that needs to be done on our house. We've been doing it a little here and a little there, but we really want to get everything done. So if we wait until spring for the FET, that will give us time to finish off the house.

I have lost about 100 lbs over the course of a couple of years. During the past 8 months of waiting for the FET, hormones and then the miscarriage, I gained about 30 lbs. I want to lose at least 40 lbs before we do another transfer. That will put me 60 lbs from my final goal. So taking a break will give me that time I need to get healthy as well. I started working on losing weight again two weeks ago and so far I've lost 12.8 lbs towards my 40 lb goal!

I can't say right now that I'm looking forward to another FET, but I can say I'm looking forward to getting my house and health back in order. I think THEN I'll be ready to try another FET. :)

Dropping numbers (Beta #1)

I wrestled with whether I should post this or not, but I started this blog to chronicle my journey to my next child as well as to maybe help others along the way and if I'm really telling the full story, then I need to blog about the good AND the bad.

Yesterday I went for my first dropping beta test. I found out more than I'd wanted to know really. On the 15th when I went for our U/S where we thought we'd see our baby, they did a beta test after telling me I was miscarrying. They didn't see a baby at all (only a sac). Well yesterday I was told my beta on the 15th was 5570. Do what?!?!?! The last beta number I'd been given (about a week or so earlier) was 1652. HOW did it jump so high if there was no baby?!?!? All day I was torn up inside thinking I may have forced a miscarriage of my baby who just needed a little more time before we could see him/her.

I did some research last night and read about a blighted ovum. I had the brown discharge that is a symptom of a blighted ovum. So I think that's probably what happened to me and why my numbers continued to increase and get so high. So while I still hate that our pregnancy ended this way, I'm relieved to know what may have been the cause of everything.

My OB's office called a little while ago to let me know my number from yesterday was 2158. So that's a drop of more than half in about 9 days time. It's sad, but I'm glad to see that number coming down because it means we are that much closer to having closure on this pregnancy and a beginning of another pregnancy.

It's weird to think how much I looked forward to seeing those numbers rise and now I'm ready for them to get back to zero as quickly as possible. Emotionally I'm all over the board. I'm trying to be strong so people will stop asking me if I'm ok. NO! I'm not ok! I'm sad! I know they all mean well and just want to be there for me, but unless you've been through this you can't really fully understand. It's like trying to explain infertility to someone who has 4 biological children and could get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Now that said, I KNOW this is all in God's plan and while I don't understand his reason, I know he has a reason for taking my babies to heaven. I just pray that next time he'll let us raise at least one of our precious babies here on Earth.

My next appointment is on the 6th. I'm praying that my numbers will be well below 1000 by then, but we'll just have to wait and see. I just really want to get all these hormones out of my system so I can feel normal again. I want to move forward and be able to get excited at the prospect of doing another FET.


EDITED TO ADD:

A few people asked what a blighted ovum is. Here is a link that explains. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

I don't think now that the OB had me terminate early. I did at one point, but after reading about the blighted ovum, I think this is what happened to me.

Moving forward

I spoke with my RE, Dr Kumar Wednesday night and he was so sweet. He just kept apologizing over and over. He said he really didn't expect this to happen. It was pretty obvious he was shocked by this outcome. The baby had done so good and then just stopped growing.

After discussing my options to force a miscarriage, he and I agreed that medication would be best for me. So Friday night I took my meds (including a pain killer and sleep aid) and by Saturday morning it was all over. It was such a hard thing to go through emotionally but it was much better for my body than a D&C.

Dr Kumar said he'd call me in a few weeks to discuss what step we'd like to take next. Meaning to do another transfer or stop and donate our remaining embryos back to the clinic.

Greg and I started talking about where we wanted to go from here. We have both agreed that we feel lead to try again. We still have 14 embryos waiting in CA. 6 of those are blasts.

However we've decided that we want to wait until after Christmas to do the transfer. This will give us time to save the money up to go again and will also allow us to enjoy Christmas with our son without the worry of are we pregnant or are we not.

We had just bought some new flooring and have been slowly fixing up our house. So we are going to work on that and let the house and spending time with our son be the priority for now. That should keep us busy through the wait.

I'm also excited that Greg will be going with me this time. I'm sad to leave my son again, but I know he will have a great time with my parents.

Now as for how I/we are feeling. Physically I'm feeling good. The hormones are getting out of my system and I'm starting to feel my self again. Emotionally I'm up and down. When things get quiet are the worst. It's a time I can think and I think about that horrible day and it is so upsetting. However as the days go by I'm having fewer of those moments.

Greg is doing good. He's not one to talk about his feelings. I think mostly he's worried about me. As long as I'm good he seems to be good.

We never told our son so praise God he isn't going through the loss. We just explained that the Dr said Mom is just fine, but she's just sad a little more right now. He accepts that and is the first one to bring me a tissue when I'm emotional.

I want to thank everyone for their support. Between my real life friends and family and all my blog friends, you have all been so supportive of us. So thank you for the bottom of my heart.

God bless.

My babies in Heaven

I'm now the Mom to one precious son here on earth and two precious angels in heaven. We found out today that neither of our babies continued to grow. We lost one early on (probably never attached) and today we found out the second stopped growing at 5 weeks. The brown discharge I had was the placenta pulling away from the wall because the pregnancy wasn't progressing.

While we are so sad to have lost these babies, we know they are with God. God has a bigger plan for them.

For now we will mourn the loss and hold tight to our son and each other.

The next question is obviously will we do this again. Today I don't know. For one we have to come up with the money again. If money wasn't an issue we'd go again in a heartbeat. However money is an issue so I don't know right now. Only time will tell.

Big Day Tomorrow

It's finally here. Tomorrow we will hear the heartbeat of our precious baby and finally see him/her. We are beyond excited and have waited for this day for so many years. I have my fears that we won't see a heartbeat or that there won't be a baby there, but I know I need to just stay focused and stop worrying so much. Outside of some bleeding over a week ago (which my clinic in CA says is normal) I've had no problems.

Another thing that makes tomorrow a big day is that we will finally be telling our son that he's going to have a sibling. He has wanted a brother or sister for so many years and we are finally able to give him one. He doesn't even care if he has a brother or sister, as long as he gets a sibling.

Lastly, tomorrow is the day we tell the rest of the family. DH family haven't been told up until this point for reasons I won't go into on here. Let's just say my DH was concerned about the stress they will cause me. We're still concerned, but I want to tell ALL my family and I can't until he tells his parents. So I finally convinced him it was time to tell. :~)

I'll be 7w2d tomorrow. WOW! I can't believe I've come so far. It feels like it's flown by. I know I have a long way to go, but I never dreamed I'd ever be pregnant much less over 7 weeks pregnant.

The plan for tomorrow is to go to the doctor at 9:20am. Have the ultrasound and first checkup. Then have lunch and enjoy a little couple time to celebrate the new baby. After that we'll go visit my Mom's work so she can finally tell all her co-workers. She's about the bust holding it in for so long. LOL Then will be going to visit Greg's parents and sister to tell them. By the time we've done all that, we will be picking up our son from school and we'll tell him when we get home.

It's going to be a long day, but such an exciting day. :~) Next time I post I'll have a picture to share!!!

Beta #5 - still going strong!

After 5 long days I finally got my beta results thanks to my wonderful coordinator in CA who called on my behalf because I couldn't seem to get the OB's office to call me back. The number is 1651! So I went up from 1152 to 1651!!! The coordinator said that's a good number and that even though it's not doubling I shouldn't expect it to be at this stage in my pregnancy. She said they were happy with that number and to now just wait for the ultrasound on the 15th. Praise God for yet another great day. :~)

I never dreamed when I was told that my number was 27 that I'd end up at 1651 two weeks later. I really expected that my baby wouldn't make it, but I kept praying that God would give me a miracle child that he has done. :~)

So now adding to my thankfuls list is a STRONG baby growing.

Being Thankful

I've had so many ups and downs on this journey lately that I decided I need to remind myself of what all I have to be thankful for. I'm thankful for a God who loves me and helps me through all my trials. I'm thankful I have a Husband who loves me and a son who adores me. I'm thankful for a large family who are there for me any time I need them. I'm thankful for a nice home, good job, and a car to drive. I'm thankful that I'm able to afford to adopt. I have 2 family members who can't have children and can't afford adoption either. To me never knowing the love of a child would be the worst. I'm thankful for God giving me my son as well as the 16 precious embryos. I'm thankful for my children's biological parents because without them I wouldn't be called Mommy. I'm thankful for every day, hour, minute, second I'm able to be pregnant and know that this baby is growing. I'm thankful for the technology that God has given us so that we are able to adopt embryos and also experience pregnancy.

I could go on and on. I have SO much to be thankful for and so for today I'm going to praise God for all these things and have FAITH that he will protect my baby just like I have faith every day that he will protect the rest of my family.

6 wks and issues of last week

Today I'm so happy to be 6 weeks pregnant. Half way through the first trimester. Never did I dream I'd be pregnant much less on my very first fertility procedure.

New symptoms that started in the last week...I am craving Mexican food ALL the time. I'm not normally a big fan of it which is funny. Also I have to pee ALL the time!!! My Mom and I went to the movies today and she was laughing because I had to go to the bathroom more times than her. LOL

Late last week was really rough. I decided not to put it on my blog until I could talk about it without being so emotional.

Wednesday I had some spotting while at work. I called the OB and went in for an HCG test. It came back great. So Thursday I prayed all day to not having anymore spotting and praised God that night that I didn't. About 11pm on Thursday night I woke to bleeding bright red and passing a couple of handfuls of clots. I was scared and shaking as I woke up my husband. He offered to take me to the ER but I didn't want to worry my son as he doesn't know about the pregnancy yet.

I ended up waiting until the OB's office opened and then called for an appointment. They got me in at 10:40 and did an ultrasound. They could see one sac (too early to see the baby) and outside of some bloody residue when the OB checked me I wasn't actively bleeding. Thank God. They also did another HCG but I won't have the results until Tuesday.

I called Dr Kumar's office and spoke with Arlene. She told the dr everything and he said not to worry. He said everything is fine. She also warned me I'd have some old brown blood for a few days and not to be alarmed.

Since that night I haven't had any more red blood. I've only had the dark brown Arlene told me about. Praise God.

The OB wants to do another ultrasound on Friday to check for a heartbeat and to see if we can see the baby. The sac Friday measured 5w1d and I was 5w5d. She said that was a good sign that the sac was measuring so close.

So the OB says to be cautiously optimistic and the RE says everything is fine and not to worry. I'm trusting my RE on this one and just continuing on as normal.

Unfortunately my DH won't be able to be with me when I see our baby Friday. He has to work and because this was a last minute appointment, I had to take the appointment I could get. :(

Baby is growing!!! Numbers were good!!!

After a long day of waiting for the results of my beta, I finally got them this afternoon. The number is 1152!!!! Two days ago it was 585 so they almost doubled again!!! The OB says since I have stopped bleeding and the numbers are still really good then she thinks everything is fine.

About 8pm last night I finally stopped spotting and my stomach stopped feeling so tight.

Praise God for yet another day of happiness with our baby. :~)

This Mommy will sleep so much better tonight.

Spotting & mild cramps

Well I'm trying my best not to worry about this. Several people have told me it's nothing to worry about, but I can't help but to worry.

I was at work today and had a small amount of brown spotting on my toilet paper. It's gotten less and less as the day has gone on. I've also had some very mild tightness in my stomach off and on.

I called the OB and she had me come in to have another HCG test to make sure my numbers are still rising. Unfortunately I won't know the results until sometime tomorrow.

I'm just praying that I'm overreacting and that the baby is safe and sound. Hopefully 2 weeks from now we will be seeing our precious miracle on ultrasound and see that he/she is just fine.

Beta #3!!!!!!

Today was a great day!!! My beta was 585!!!! There was 5 days between my second and third betas. #2 was 62 and in 5 days it jumped to 585!!!!

My first OB appointment and ultrasound are scheduled for September 15th. I could have gone the week before, but my husband wouldn't be there. So of course I scheduled it when he can be with me. He wasn't able to be there at the FET so I'm going to make SURE he's there for the ultrasound. :)

This evening we are thanking God for this precious gift. Thank you to all those who have been so supportive and have been praying for us.

Tomorrow...hopefully the final beta

I've really enjoyed a fairly peaceful weekend. I've not stressed over this beta on Monday nearly as much as I was on the ones last week.

I did take my final HPT Saturday and again the line was MUCH darker. It was as dark as the control line. So I know my baby is still growing.

I have to say I have one of the best husbands on this earth. He has been so good to me through all of this. He has taken on the majority of the parenting of our son as well as the housework so that I can be totally relaxed. Yes he has been a little over protective in not wanting me to do anything. LOL. However I totally love him for it. He asks me several times every evening if I need anything. We've been together for 14 years and married almost 12 years. He continues to amaze me.

Ok just had to brag there. :) Anyway I'm looking forward to finding out the numbers tomorrow!!!!

Beta #2!!!!

My beta was 27 on Monday and was 62 today!!!!! Praise God my baby is growing!!!! The coordinator said the Dr wanted to see at least 50 for me today and so a 62 is "excellent"!!!!!

She said he wants one more beta sometime next week and then we can schedule an ultrasound!!!!!!

Thanks for the prayers for our numbers!!!! Now I'm going to just enjoy being pregnant. :)

1st beta results

Well I am most certainly pregnant. The coordinator at the clinic called and confirmed. However my number was not as high as they like. They like to see 60. Mine is 27. She did say though that one of the embryos could have implanted later than they expected.

She said to think positive and that we want to see that 27 doubled on Wednesday. Come on 54!!!!! :)

For now I'm just going to praise God that I'm even pregnant and keep thinking thoughts of 54. ;)

On another note I'm having an allergic reaction to the PIO. She said that because my numbers are low they don't want to change me to a suppository just yet. So she asked how bad the rash was and if I could stand to keep doing the PIO even with the rash. I said yes I can! I'll do anything for my baby!!!

Sometimes having a wide rump helps. LOL For me it means I still have plenty of room to do injections. :)

She said if the numbers double on Wednesday then we can go to the suppositories.

Thanks for the prayers. Please keep them coming!!! Come on lucky number 54!!!!!

OMGosh!!!! I got my BFP!!!!

I have hung my head and been so emotional most of the day. My DH finally asked if I'd like him to go get a pregnancy test. Now if you know my DH you'd know he would NEVER offer to do that before. So I accepted his offer and asked for the First Response brand. It came with 2 tests so I decided to take one tonight even though I know FMU is best.

I got a ++++!!!!!!!! It was a very faint positive, but no doubt it had 2 lines!!!!!! This makes tomorrow all the sweeter.

I am just praising God right now for blessing us with at least one more child.

In December 2009 I was talking to a friend about completing our families and neither of us had a clue what God was leading us to. Here we are 8 months later and I'm pregnant!!!! And my friend is adopting from China. :)

This is the first ever BFP I've had. I had to have DH look at the test to make sure I was not imagining a line there. LOL

Praising the almighty God tonight!!!!

2 WW almost over

Monday I will get to go have my pregnancy test done to see if our transfer was a success. I broke down and bought a dollar tree HPT this week and took it yesterday morning. Unfortunately it was negative. My friend warned me not to do that because she was concerned I'd get a false reading and then worry up until my blood test.

She was right. I wish now I'd never taken the test. I'm trying really hard to have faith that I AM in fact pregnant and that I just tested too early.

I've never wished for a weekend to be over, but I do wish this weekend would be so I can finally know for sure if I'm pregnant.

Now as for symptoms, I'm not sure what is PIO symptoms and what could really be pregnancy symptoms, but here they are. I wake up at 6am every morning (and have since 2 days after transfer) with dizziness and nausea. By 8am I have a headache. Right at 10am my dizziness, nausea, and headache are gone. I struggle to eat breakfast because I feel so sick. At lunch if I eat more than a few tablespoons I feel like throwing up. At 5pm my headache is back again and I get really sleepy. I take a nap until 6pm and then I feel well enough to eat a good dinner. You can set your clock by those symptoms. In the meantime my breast are bigger (not alot, but some). They are also sore. I wake up more to go to the bathroom. Oh and I can smell better than a dog. Fish especially turns my stomach. (I loved fish before all this)

Even though I got a negative on the HPT I still thank God every day for this opportunity and pray that at least one of my precious babies is still hanging on.

Final tally on the cost of our adoption

$260 - for orientation with Dr. Kumar (our clinic)
$2200 - transfer (includes assisted hatching)
$375 - donor parent's testing
$750 - to our attorney to write our contract
$350 - to the donor parent's attorney to review the contract with them
$845 - plane tickets for 2
$650 - hotel for 5 nights (Hampton Inn, king suite)
$207 - round trip town car ride from airport to hotel (includes tip)
$300 - food, spending, and taxis


Total: $5937

Praise God that we were able to pay all but the transfer fee with cash. My parents were so generous as to loan us their credit card to pay the transfer fee. We are so grateful that we didn't have to go way in debt with this transfer.

Back in Memphis with precious cargo

It's been a relaxing few days an I've really enjoyed the quiet time, but I was so ready to get back home to my son and husband.

I remember very vividly the day my husband and I flew to Guatemala to get our son. These babies came back with me in a different way, but no less special than the way my son came.

I've been having some symptoms or at least what seems like symptoms. Please don't burst my bubble if I'm crazy. ;) I've had several twinned from time to time. Nothing real painful. I've been dizzy the last 2 mornings and was nauseous one of those mornings. Today on the way home I had a sort of hot flash. It's been weird, but it makes me feel good. :)

Pictures of my embies

It's not the best quality picture, but here are my two miracles. :)

Transfer complete!!!

My transfer went great. I was so pleased to find out none of my babies went home to be with the Lord. They thawed 2 and both survived!!! Dr. K said one was excellent quality and one was very good, but it had some fragmentation. BOTH were already hatching out and looked like little figure eights.

The transfer went very quickly. We spoke with the nurse, then embrologist, then Dr. K. Next thing I know they are putting me in the procedure room. I took the valium and it made me VERY sleepy. (and a little giggly too LOL) I was so at peace and relaxed the whole time. I saw the little flash of light Dr. K told me I might see. It was so cool seeing my babies being put in. Then he touched me on the arm and said, "everything went great, now get some rest." Before I left the nurse said Dr. K wanted to tell me goodbye. He came over and gave me a few more instructions and then told me he was very confident this would be a success for me.

Thanks so much to Dr. Kumar and his staff for everything. I HIGHLY recommend him.

August 23rd is the pregnancy test day!!! Now I just to keep from goingout and POAS obsessively. LOL

Tomorrow is the big day!!!

Today I was to have a mock transfer, but instead Dr. K just did an ultrasound and checked my lining. It was....drum roll please.....16.8mm!!!! Dr. K said it was "very lush". LOL He was running behind because of a patient's flight being late and then another lady needed to have her appointment, but for some reason she wasn't on the schedule. The poor woman had to hop back on a plane in just 3 hours!!! He came out and personally apologized to me for the delay. I'm guessing that's why my mock transfer got postponed until tomorrow.

They said if needed he would do a mock transfer tomorrow instead. I have to say that I LOVE Dr. K. He was so kind and caring. He sat and talked with us for 20 minutes or so about all sorts of stuff. My husband is a huge Georgia Bulldog fan and Dr. K graduated from UGA. He said UGA was the first place he learned to bark. LOL He explained everything to me and then we discussed how many to thaw and transfer. We both were on the same page with that so I was glad. He said he LOVES BBQ and wished he knew I was so close to Memphis because he would have asked that I bring him some. :~) He commented on how sweet I was and said that's one thing he missed about the south. Everyone is just so nice there.

As Dr. K was finishing up my ultrasound he said, "you see that big dark spot right there?" I was SO scared he was about to tell me something bad. He says, "that's your bladder. You need to go don't you? That's what I want your bladder to look like tomorrow too." LOL I was SO scared he was seeing something bad. He scared me to death!

His staff were also all so nice. I got to meet several people I've talked to on the phone. It was nice to put a face with the names.

I'm still so very much at peace about all of this. I got a little excited and had a few butterflies this morning, but they went away and I was calm again. I hope I can be this calm tomorrow. ;~)

Hello from California!!!

We made it safely to CA yesterday. It's 4:30am here and I can't sleep. I woke up to take my shot and now can't go back to sleep.

It still hasn't hit me why I'm here. Every once in a while I'll think "oh yeah, I get my babies.". LOL. It's all just so surreal.

Today I go for my mock transfer at 11:00.

I ended up getting here and realizing I didn't have my ice pack. So last night and this morning I did my shots without it and it actually hurt LESS without the ice! I was really surprised.

We rented a town car to drive us to the hotel since neither of us wanted to drive in this traffic. It was SO cool to have someone standing at baggage claim with a sign with my last name on it. I've never gotten that sort of special treatment so I figured right now would be when I deserve the treat. :-)

I'm going to try to go back to sleep now. Tomorrow is the big day!!!!!!!

Thank you God for this opportunity and for the wonderful genetic parents who gave us these 16 precious babies.

Cali here I come!!!

In just a few short hours I'll be on a plane headed to my babies. I am excited to get there, but also dread leaving my 'baby' here behind. I know he's in good hands though as my husband is staying here with him.

I will be meeting my babies in just 2 days!!!!! I've waited 7 years for this moment. To think just a year ago I swore I'd never do embryo adoption. I just knew it wasn't for me. I just knew I was finally going to China to get my little girl Little did I know that God had other plans. ;)

Thanks God for his wisdom and for leading me in this direction. I know without a doubt this is what I'm supposed to do.

People keep asking me if I'm nervous. I'm really not. I'm excited yes, and anxious to get there, but I'm SO at peace with this. It's weird. I'm usually such a control freak and so I worry about everything. With this I'm not. God's in control and I don't need to be.

Well next time I write I'll be in California!!!!!

I want to thank my close friends who know about my adoption for being there for me through this. Also thank you to my recent blog friends who have encouraged me and given me pointers along the way. I originally extended to tell no one, but I'm sure glad I did. :)

1st PIO shot

This morning I had my first PIO shot. It was just 1cc so it wasn't too bad. Tomorrow I start the every day 2cc. I'm starting to get nervous now. Not about the transfer, but about the PIO shots. I know in the end it will be worth it though and just like thousands of other women, I'll get through this.

One thing I am looking forward to is that wonderful Cali weather!!! It's been in the high 90's with heat indexes in the 100's for several weeks now. That mild weather is going to be wonderful!!!

3rd ultrasound and bloodwork & 1 more week!!!

Today was my 3rd ultrasound and bloodwork. It all went really well. The tech said my lining is 11mm!!! I'm waiting to hear from my clinic now as to what the bloodwork results were and what I need to do next.

I cannot believe this time next week I'll already have had my FET and my precious babies will be with me!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Edited to Add~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This afternoon the clinic in CA called to tell me we are officially ready to move forward!!! CA here I come!!! She said everything looked fine and that Dr K wanted to just up my delestrogen to 0.35cc twice a week. Everything else stays the same. So no more ultrasounds or bloodwork at least until I get to CA.

Now it's on to those dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. I can get through it though and in the end it will be all worth it. :~)

Feeling better today

Yesterday I think I just had this moment of panic. This is all becoming SO real and every little thing that is out of norm worries me. I'm much better today though. I didn't hear from the coordinator, but after talking to a few veteran FET folks I feel much better.

So today I'm happy and really at peace about all of this. It's going to happen and SO soon!!!

5 days til I fly out!!!!!

Worried the transfer won't happen next week :(

Every since I was put on the delestrogen shots I've been having AF (not heavy, just some spotting). The coordinator keeps telling me everything is fine and I trust her. However, the last two nights I've woke up in the middle of the night and have passed some clots (large ones too, sorry TMI). I'm SO scared this is going to cause my transfer to be cancelled.

I realize it's not the end of the world to have it cancelled, but it will still be SO disappointing. Not to mention expensive since I'll have to change my flights.

I just needed to get that out. I'm waiting to hear from the coordinator and I'm hoping she will say it's still ok. Just another bump in the road I guess. I'm trying hard to have faith that this will happen on God's time, but it's days like this that make it hard.

More info from the clinic

I got an email today from the coordinator at the clinic with more details on what my next steps will be. I am to start taking my progesterone shots on August 8th. The first one will be 1cc and then from then on out it will be 2cc. I have to take them in the morning which means I'll either have to have my husband wake me up really early or I'll have to give them to myself. My husband works a very early shift so for him to give them to me, I'll have to get up with him. I am NOT a morning person so this could get interesting. ;~)

I'll also continue taking the delestrogen shots on Saturdays and Wednesday. Right now I'm at 0.3cc, but that may change after my ultrasound and estrodiol test on Friday.

My mock transfer is scheduled for 11am on August 12th. The real deal will be at 10am on August 13th.

WOW! This is all feeling SO real. I'm literally a week from leaving for my transfer. I'm SO excited. I know there's a chance it won't work, but I really believe that God's will shall be done and if he wants it to work this time then it will. If he doesn't....well we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now I'm acting as though it's going to work the first time and that we are going to have TWINS. :~D

My friends keep asking me if I'm scared or nervous. Honestly I can say I'm not at all. I'm so totally at peace about this. It's been 7 long years of trying to decide where our next child would come from and the time is finally here. Not saying I won't get scared or nervous closer to time, but for now I'm just thrilled that we have this opportunity.

9 days and counting

Today DH and I have just been hanging out and enjoying some down time. Yesterday was our son's birthday. He had a great party. Usually we rent a waterslide, but I didn't feel like I could handle that. My energy is pretty low right now. So instead we had a party at a local game hangout. He loved it so all was well.

Today the clinic coordinator called (I was surprised to hear from her on a Sunday) to tell me I should start taking the doxycycline for the next week. She said my husband should too. HA! A med he has to take too. LOL

I'm still having some bleeding, but the coordinator assures me that my lining is fine.

She also called to let me know the mock transfer will be at 11am on the 12th.

I cannot believe we'll be in CA in just 9 days!!!!

Praying that by Friday I won't be bleeding anymore and that my ultrasound will go well that day.

2nd Ultrasound and bloodwork

I had my second ultrasound and estradiol test today. The clinic just called and said my estradiol came back a little low so we are upping my shot from .2 to .3 of delestrogen for this Saturday and next Wednesday.

I'm not surprised it was low beings that AF didn't leave until today. *sigh*

I don't know what my lining thickness is yet because my OB's office didn't send the images. UGH! I have to call them in the morning to get it faxed over ASAP.

Praying that next Friday my ultrasound and estradiol shows perfect!!!

2 weeks from today....

I will be on a plane headed for CA! I am so excited and ready to get going. :) I'm looking forward to some time away to relax and just have some me time. However I will miss my Husband and Son terribly. I try not to think about that too much though.

For this week it's a shot tomorrow and then an ultrasound and bloodwork on Thursday.

I've been emailing the coordinator alot lately. AF came on Saturday and has yet to stop, but the coordinator keeps reassuring me that everything is fine. What can I say???? I'm a worry wart. ;)

First shot done!

This evening my husband gave me the first delestrogen shot. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected. Obviously it's just the first one so I expect they will get tougher, but at least this one wasn't too bad. It hurt going in, but after that I didn't feel a thing.

I iced the area with an ice pack for a few minutes while I prepared the shot. Then Hubby took over and after the shot was done I used a hot rag and massaged the area. It all went pretty quick.

Moving forward!!! My next u/s and bloodwork is this Friday. Hope everything comes out like it needs to!

I am thanking God today for this opportunity to not only adopt again, but also to carry my babies and keep them safe.

A little about my family

I was reading through some of my posts and realized that I've hardly mentioned my family and their thoughts on this. Since I've started sharing this blog instead of keeping it only for myself, I'll tell a little about my family.

My husband is SO excited. He asks me at least once a week what is next. He is one of 3 kids in his family so he's always wanted 3 kids. I think the thought of twins is SO exciting for him. This past weekend he hugged me and said "I'm going to protect you like Fort Knox.". At first I laughed because I didn't understand. Then he tells me he wants to make sure nothing happens to me or the babies so when I get back he's going to do everything for me and make sure no one stresses me out. :) How sweet is that.

My son doesn't know what's going on really. He'll be 8 next week and while we would LOVE to share with him, we feel it best to wait until after we have a confirmed pregnancy. Also we have told very few people so we wouldn't want him going around telling people right now. After we've been pregnant a few months we'll start telling people (including our son). As for me going to CA, he of course knows I'm going, but we told him it's to take care of some business. He's ok with that answer for now.

He does know that we are adopting again. (he's adopted and is fully aware of it) He is SO excited to have a sibling. He goes back and forth as to whether he wants a brother or a sister. Then sometimes he says he wants one of each. He just might get his wish. LOL

FedEx delivery

My meds came today! It was a fairly large box full of all sorts of goodies. Delestrogen, progesterone, valium, doxycycline (an antibiotic), and lots and lots of syringes and needles. (OH MY!)

Thank the good Lord for insurance. My portion was $50.95. I've heard without insurance, these meds are about $300.

So Saturday is the big day. Well the first big day anyway. I start my shot that day.

Now just waiting for AF to come.

Last BCP!!!

Tonight I take my last birth control pill!! Hopefully it will be the last for a VERY long time.

My dear blog friend who referred me to my clinic informed me that I do still have the twice a day progesterone in oil (PIO) shots on top of the delestrogen shots I'll start taking Saturday. Oh well. :(

Of all the things in this adoption/fertility stuff the shots are what I'm scared of more than anything. My husband swears he will have no problem giving them to me. Guess it's time for me to finally trust him to take care of me for once. I'm such a control freak that it's hard for me to let go. We'll see how long I let him do it before I start just doing it myself. LOL

moving forward

I got a call this afternoon from the coordinator saying she received my lab and u/s results and it all looked good!!!!! So she called in my meds and about an hour after talking to her, the pharmacy called. They are filing on my insurance so hopefully I won't have to pay much. My meds will arrive on Wednesday.

My protocol was emailed to me this afternoon too. I had a GREAT surprise too. I will be taking my shots twice a WEEK not twice a day!!! I don't know where I saw that it was twice a day, but I had myself all worried about all those shots. What a nice surprise to find I'll just do them every Wednesday and Saturday. LOL

I also booked my hotel and flights today!!! Now just need to book that town car to take us to and from the airport. :~) We'll be flying from Memphis to Dallas and Dallas to Burbank.

Now to wait for my meds to come!

My first ultrasound and bloodwork (baseline)

This morning I went for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. I don't know why, but it never dawned on me that it would be a VAGINAL ultrasound!! ACK! That was a weird feeling. LOL The U/S tech said everything looked good. She did have a little trouble getting images of the back of my uterus because I have a tilted uterus. I didn't know that until today. My Mom and sister have it so I expected I would too, but today it was confirmed.

Then I had my bloodwork done. It was called an Estradiol test. If I heard right, that's to check the hormone levels in my body before they start me on any hormones.

I was in and out in 30 minutes!

Once the lab gets the bloodwork done and sends it to Dr. Carney (my OB) then she will fax it to my clinic in CA along with the ultrasounds. Then they'll call a pharmacy and order my meds. So my next step is to wait for the pharmacy to call me so they can FedEx me my meds and I can pay for them.


28 days and counting!!!!!!!!

I have a DATE!!!!!

I finally got tired of waiting and called the clinic today. The coordinator called me back a couple of hours later to tell me she had my schedule!!!

I'll have my mock transfer on Aug 12th and have the transfer on Aug 13th. Yep, that's FRIDAY the 13th!!! LMBO

I'd have been upset with what most would consider an unlucky day. However, for my family, the 13th is QUITE a lucky day. Both my Dad's parents were born on Friday the 13th, my husband and Dad's favorite number is 13, AND August 13th is my Grandma's birthday!!! Now how much 'luckier' could I be?!?!?

Let me clarify that I personally don't believe in luck, but instead I believe in God's will. With all these matching dates and numbers, I think I can say this is God's will for my family. :~)

So I'll be in CA on the 11th and leaving on the 16th. A day longer than I expected, but that's ok. More relaxing time for me and my Mom. Unfortunately more time away from my son and husband too though.

I go for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning and take my last bcp on Monday. My shots start on the 24th. I'm waiting now for the pharmacy to call me about paying for my meds.

Just FOUR weeks!!!!

A sign I read today....

As I was on my way to work this morning, I passed a church and the saying on the sign caught my eye. It said, "Having faith means trusting in God."

You know that saying really hit me this morning. I've been really stressed and annoyed that the clinic is taking their sweet time to get me started on my cycle. They've had all my paperwork since last Wednesday and I've yet to hear from them on when we can start my cycle. That saying struck me because I need to just have FAITH that all this is God's timing. Of course I want it to happen right NOW, but that may not be God's timing. So I need to remember to have faith that God will see me through this and we WILL start my cycle, but in God's time, not mine. :~)

Getting ready for stupid comments...

Today I was talking to a co-worker who knows about our embryo adoption. He was asking a bunch of questions just curious about how everything works. That was fine. I don't mind sharing my story especially if it means another child (or embryo in this case) gets adopted.

So then he says, "I bet you'll have more of a connection to this baby than you do to Zach since you're carrying it and he was already born.". Huh??? I calmly explained that Zach is my son no matter HOW he came to my family. I can't even imagine being more connected to one child than another. I just don't see it.

I know he didn't mean to be hurtful, but it did hurt my feelings. Zach means the world to me and I NEVER want to hear someone say something like that in front of him. I'd chop their head off!

I expect ignorant questions, but good grief!!! I've only told a small handful of people (as little as possible) and I'm already getting these sort of comments.

Now I will say that everyone (including this person) had been very supportive and mostly just interested in learning more about the process.

I already know we're going to get some ignorant comments from certain friends and family members, but I'm prepared for that. It's these that slip up on me that gets to me.

OMGosh!!!

Tomorrow the coordinator will be back in the office and I should be hearing about getting my ness and hopefully what my cycle schedule will be!!!!

This has all happened so quickly. Just last Christmas I had no clue where we would adopt from and no here we are!!!!

We haven't told many people about what we are doing. I can't wait to finally share with everyone!!!! Especially with our son. :)

Talked to the coordinator!

The coordinator emailed me back (even though she's on vacation) and told me to please not have a period. So I was right to keep taking the next months birth control until she gets back in the office on Monday.

Just a few more days and we'll be starting my cycle!!!!!

Another person on vacation...ACK!!!

Well I waited for a day and a half before finally emailing the coordinator at the clinic to see when we could schedule my FET. I didn't hear back from her all afternoon yesterday, but wasn't sure why.

I've been talking to another lady using the same clinic and in our conversation she mentions that the coordinator is out of the office all week on vacation. ACK!!!!

I understand everyone needs a vacation, but do they all need it during MY process??? My goodness!!!

Then to add to it, the way a cycle of FET works is that you are taking birth control until it's time to start the cycle. Then you go off the birth control, have a period, and then your start the whole bloodwork and ultrasound bit until your lining is thick enough to support the embryos. Just my luck, I'm at the end of my month of birth control and it's time for a period. If I have a period now, it'll be weeks (maybe even another month) before I'll be ready to have another one which means my cycle won't be started for another several weeks or a month.

So I had decided yesterday that I'd go ahead and start my next month of birth control and keep myself from having a period until the coordinator is back on Monday. Well Greg went yesterday to pick up my prescription for more birth control and find out insurance won't cover it because it's too soon. UGH!!! I ended up getting it, but it was a long hassle.

The good news is I have the birth control and so I'll just take some from the new pack for a few days until the coordinator is back in the office on Monday and can tell me if I'll be able to schedule my FET soon.

Now I'm just hoping and praying that the DOCTOR doesn't go on vacation next!!!

Legal Consent complete!!!

I got an email today from our attorney saying she faxed our legal consent to the clinic this morning!!!

I called my OB's office and they faxed my bloodwork results to the clinic as well. So now the clinic has everything we need to start the meds!!! (also known as cycling)

So while I am super excited that we are in the home stretch of this adoption, I am scared out of my mind too. I'm realizing this is all becoming real and that scares me.

I'm really worried about the shots. I have to do 2 injections a day for about 12 weeks. That scares me the most.

Anyway I need to focus on the happy part and that is that I will be meeting our babies in just a few weeks. :)

Next step is a travel date!!!

The costs

I was going through our expenses so far and so I thought I'd list them here to help me remember them as well as to help others when I share this blog with the world some day.

So far we have paid:

$300 - to sign with an agency we ended up not using
$150 - to sign with Miracles Waiting which we also didn't use
$260 - for orientation with Dr. Kumar (our clinic)
$750 - to our attorney to write our contract
$350 - to the donor parent's attorney to review the contract with them

Total: $1810


The things we have yet to pay: (some are my estimates)

$2575 - FET fees (includes donor bloodwork, assisted hatching, and the FET)
$600 - storage fee for any extra embryos we have left (good for 1 year)
$1500 - airfare & hotel for 2
$300 - food for 2

Total: $4975

So still alot yet to pay, but we already have the money for all of that. We have cash for the food, airfare, hotel, and storage fees. The FET fees will be put on my parent's credit card until we pay it off. Praise God for my parents. They have been SO kind in offering that card to us.

So total I'm expecting to have spent about $6900. We could have skipped the agency and MW fees if we'd known about the clinic, but Hey! It's all a process. :)

Oh really??? You have to be on vacation????

I was so expecting to have our contract from the attorney notarized, signed, and in hand sometime next week. We have waited all week thinking the donor parents were getting that done. Well yesterday I get an email that no only has the contract not been sent to them yet (we did our part on Monday), but their attorney is on VACATION!!! ACK!!!

Oh well, nothing we can do but wait for the attorney to get back and for her to complete her part by sending the contract to the donor parents. *sigh*

At least we have a nice long weekend to enjoy with family. :~)

Happy 4th of July!

get bloodwork done.....CHECK

Today I went and had my blood drawn and a culture done so they can prove I don't have any STDs. No doubt this will all come back negative so I'm not even worried about it. It's just one of those procedures that has to be done. Dr. Carney (my OB whom I love by the way) said the results would be back Monday, but since they are closed, I'll get them on Tuesday. Her nurse will then fax them to my CA clinic on Tuesday. YEAH!!!

One more step down and just a couple more to go. Now we just wait for the the blood results and wait for the donor parents to sign and notarize the contract. Then it's hello baby glue (i.e. shots). LOL

Contract to be notarized!!!

I just got an email from the attorney saying the donor parents agreed to our contract without requesting ANY changes. We were really very surprised that they requested no changes.

So now we sign and have it notarized. They sign and have it notarized. Then our attorney will create our clearance for the doctor!!!

We're getting there!!!

Ongoing this past week

Monday we had our phone conference with our attorney. It went really well and she was really nice. I felt lead to ask if we could share our email address with the donor parents and she said she would mention it to their attorney. I also paid their attorney fee this week.

Praise God we still have quite a bit of adoption money saved back. The next thing to pay for will be my meds. I'm hoping they won't be too expensive.

My sweet parents offered their credit card to pay for the cost of the transfer. Of course we will be paying the card ourselves, but just the fact that they had relieved us of that burden for now means so much.

We got an email from our attorney yesterday with an update. She said the donor family don't have access to email so the contract draft had to be mailed to them. They should be having their phone conference early next week. Prayers that it all goes well and that we can complete the signatures and notarizing in the next week or so.

I was SO hoping to be in CA August 5th, but as it gets closer I'm doubting we will be there than. :( Oh well, all on God's perfect time. ;)

I cannot wait to meet my precious babies!!!

Piece of mind...

We had our phone conference with the attorney yesterday. We'd read over the contract and only one thing bothered me. The clause that states they can't contact us (ever), we can't contact them (ever) and our children can't contact each other's children (ever). That part just really bothered me. I have lots of info for my son on his adoption and about his Birthmom and just in case he ever wants to search for her, I hope that info will help him. With these children I have NOTHING to offer them. So while going through the contract, the attorney got to that clause and said we could change it if we wanted. Well that was my chance to tell her I wanted to at least offer the donor parents our email address so they could contact us if they liked. She agreed to ask the donor parents if they wanted any contact at all.

While I don't expect them to want contact, I hope they will at least take my email address in case they ever change their minds. At least now I can have piece of mind knowing that I tried to keep contact. So if my children ever ask me, I can tell them that we offered contact. That's the best I can do in this situation.

I have an appt on July 1st to have the blood tests and cultures for all the sexually transmitted diseases. The clinic requires that testing to be done before transfer. So I'll get that done and wait for the attorney to let me know if the donor parents accepted our contract as is or requested changes.

I keep saying this, but it's true! We are getting SO close!!!!

Got more paperwork and a surprise!!!

Yesterday we received lots of info. First off we got the draft of the legal agreement between us and the donor parents. It felt like I was completing an adoption not starting one. LOL There were words like "termination of rights" which you usually don't see until you have your child in your arms and are finalizing the adoption.

I didn't find any issues with what I read in it so I guess we will proceed with it as is. The only part that made me sad was that we can have no contact with the donor parents. That was hard to read. I wish it wasn't that way and we could at least know who they are so our children could know some day.

The second thing that came yesterday was the consent forms for the clinic along with the profile of the donor parents. The biggest surprise was that we also received two pictures of their son who was created from these embryos. To say the least, he is adorable!!! It really put a face to our babies. He is so very similar to Zach in coloring. He even has a few features that look like Zach.

According to the profile, the Mom has hazel eyes and the Dad has curly hair. It would be so neat if one of our children had hazel eyes too!!! I can just picture this olive skinned, hazel eyed, curly headed kid!!! Cute!!! Of course I don't care what they look like because my babies are ALL cute. ;)

I'm choosing not to share the pictures with anyone outside of close family to protect the privacy of the donor family. I can promise though that he's a cutie pie! :)

I've decided from now on to refer to our embryos as our babies. (not one baby, but two babIES) because we will be implanting 2 embryos and until my OB says otherwise, I will act as though I am carrying twins. I really believe in positive thinking and so I'm thinking that both embryos will take and we will have twins. (God willing of course)

Well Happy Father's Day to my Husband. We just added a few more to our family. ;)

Email from the attorney

I got an email today from the attorney saying that she'll be sending our contract sometime tomorrow. I sure hope the clinic consents get here soon!!!

Once we have the contract we will sign it and then it goes to the donor couples attorney for them to review.

Lawyer's retainer in the mail

Today I put the retainer in the mail. I'm still very excited that we will soon be in CA, but I'm also getting a little nervous now. I think it's just finally hitting me that this is real.

I kept my niece yesterday. She's 11 months old. I was so tired when she left that it made me question if I can really raise another child. I think it was just my fears coming through and not that I'm too old to parent. I'll be celebrating my 32nd birthday tomorrow. Never did I think I'd be having a baby at 32, but it's God's plan not mine.

Anyway, another step down and just a few more to go. At least on the adoption side. Then it's on to the pregnancy side. :)

Another step forward

Today I am still floating on cloud 9, but had to come back to earth long enough to call the attorney.

Susan Katzman will be our attorney. She emailed me the retainer just now. I've got it all filled out and will be mailing it either tonight or first thing in the morning. Along with the $750 retainer fee.

Once she receives this info, we are looking at about 2 weeks (depending on how quick the donor parents sign) to complete the legal part of this process.

Then it'll be time for shot (known as baby glue from here on out) and meds.

We are getting SO close. Please God help me get through this with at least one healthy baby.

We have embies!!!!!

Last night I dreamed that I was really pregnant. I was SO big. So today I just felt I really needed to call and see where we stood. So I called right after lunch. I was home and it was about 6:30 and so I had lost hope that she'd call me back today. Then the phone rang.

It was Arlene telling me that we have embryos!!! Not 1, not 4, but 16!!!!!!! (8) blastocysts and (8) 3-day. The donor parents had one boy from this batch. The Mom was in her early 30's and they used donor sperm.

So now she'll send me the consent forms and my prescriptions. I have to call the attorney tomorrow to do the legal paperwork.

Then we get my cycles regulated and 4-6 weeks later I'll be I'm Cali!!!!!

Here I come babies! Here I come!

Still waiting. :(

Well this week wasn't our week either. I'm ok with it now, but when I talked to Arlene on Tuesday I was really upset. Then to hear about a women in Memphis who left her FOUR month old baby in a hot car while she went shopping!!!! I was just so upset that it had to be so hard for us.

I've been trying to hold my weight stable because Dr Kumar had asked me if I could. So far I've done ok with it. I decided this week that since I've got to wait on our adoption, I might as well start losing weight again. At least it will be something to get my mind off this adoption.

Will tomorrow be the day????

Tomorrow I'll be calling the clinic again to see of either of the donor families have completed their profiles. I'm trying to be optimistic about it.

I read about a lady that had been waiting 4 months just for the profile. :( Mind you the donor family had someone close to them pass away, but still....FOUR months!?!?!?

I'm just praying it doesn't take that long for us.

I'm to the point now that it doesn't even feel real. I can go all day sometimes without thinking about it even one time. Life is just not revolving around this adoption like it did with Zach's adoption. It SO helps to have destractions like Zach. :)

Wait another week.....

I talked to Arlene (the embryo coordinator) today and she said now there are 2 families looking to donate embryos and also another family looking to adopt them. She said she is just waiting for the donor families to send in their profiles. Once that is done then we can review the profiles and choose a set of embryos.

So while it's not bad news, it is 'wait another week' news. I'm a little dissappointed that we have to wait yet another week, but I keep reminding myself that this will all happen in God's time.

Looks like our transfer will be in July or August (just as I'd predicted).

Just another day

At least a few times a day I either thinking about, look up something for, or talk about our baby. I am just beyond excited to be adopting again.

Just one more day and I'll be calling the clinic to get another update. We are praying that this time the donor family will have completed their paperwork so we can review their profile.

Today I find out that Zach has been telling one of the neighborhood kids that he has a brother. Is he just wishing for a brother or is he fortelling the future??? We shall see!!

We are #1 on the list!!!

I am SO excited. Yesterday I called the clinic to find out if the Hispanic family decided to donate their embryos and to find out what number on the list we are.

So Arlene tells me "You are so fortunate. Our other families are on a long waiting list. Since you are looking for Hispanic embryos you don't have to wait on that list. You are the only ones looking for Hispanic." I want to tell her no I'm not lucky, I have God's blessing to adopt these babies. :)

So then the second good news is that the family did decide to donate their babies and so now are doing paperwork with the clinic to be able to donate them. Arlene said to call her back in another week to see where they are at.

We are praying that by next week the paperwork will be done and then we can review the profile a decide if these are to be our babies!!!

I cannot believe how close we are getting!!!

To my precious babies

I'm titling this to my babies (plural) because we will be implanting 2 embryos. This gives us a better chance of at least one survivng. I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to write to my babies.

To my precious babies,

You have been prayed for for so long. You Dad and I never dreamed that we would be able to carry you in my belly and see you be born. I don't know if you will both make it, but know that we will always love you both.

It means to world to me to know that you will soon be growing in my belly as you get big and strong. I promise you I will do my very best to protect you from all harm.

We are so grateful to your genetic parents who so selfishly gave you a chance to grow up. We will always hold a special place in our hearts for them.

I am so excited to make the trip to CA to finally meet you. As I type this you are probably already there waiting for me. I know that God is holding you until I can get there.

It won't be much longer my babies and I will be with you. We can't wait to watch you grow.

With all my love,
Mommy

OMGosh!!!

Today I called to talk to the embryo donation coordinator at the clinic today. I had been waiting fr her call for a week and finally decided to just call her back myself. She called me back a couple hours later.

I thought I was just talking to her about the process and such. Well she proceeds to tell me they have one family with Hispanic embryos and that there is NO waiting list for us!!!!!

So she said she is pretty sure this Hispanic family is going to donate and to call her back in 2 weeks to get the updated list of available embryos!!!

Once we receive that info we can review it and decide if these are the embryos for us. If they are then Dr Kumar will check them out and make sure they are good quality. Once he gives the ok then we get an attorney to draw up the paperwork, both families sign, and they begin the process of getting my body ready for pregnancy!!!!

So we could be in CA as early as June!!!!

I'm excited and scared all at the same time. Guess I better start looking for a hotel!!!

How quickly things change

So much has changed in the last few days. After a comment Mom made about the agency not contacting me back because she had my money, I decided to look at other options.

Mom never butts her nose in my business so when she made that comment I stood up and took notice. Se doesn't even know why she said it and didn't think another thing about it after she said it. However it really got to me.

So I emailed a yahoo group of Moms who have adopted embryos and asked about Miracles Waiting. It's a website where you can match yourself with donor parents. So I asked the group to share their stories. I got 4 or 5 people who told me all about Miracles Waiting. One lady told me about her experience and then told me about her fertility doctor as well.

At first I was not interested in hearing about her doctor and I all but said as much. Then something told me that I needed to give it a chance. I contacted the clinic by email and my the next morning the doctor himself was emailing me back and answering my questions.

I called the doctor and he was so nice and gave me great info. He is not in this for the money. To my surprise I can fly myself and one other person (more about that in a minute) to California, pay for my meds, hotel, food, AND legal fees for the same price the agency was going to charge me for 4 embryos.

So Mom and I will be going to California to do my embryo transfer. Dr Kumar at Fertility Associates of California. He has a HUGE success rate.

Mom is going with me because Greg and I agree that Zach would be better off if he stays here with him. I would worry about Zach if Greg didn't stay. So to keep me from worrying, Greg said he would stay with Zach.

I didn't expect to not have Greg with me and when I think about this idea I want to cry, but I have to do what's best for my son and that's his Dad staying with him instead of with me.

I am excited to spend some time with my Mom though. My friend, Caroline, may come visit me there as well so I'm excited about that too.

I'll be in California for 5 days. I'm hoping to get a hotel on the beach so we can relax to the waves on the beach.

So today I had my records transfered from my clinic here to the clinic in CA. I called an OB that my GYN recommended. Her name is Dr Carney. I have an appointment with her on June 9th. I made a phone consult appointment with Dr Kumar. That will be April 27th. So I got alot done today.

Now here are some neat coincidences if you want to call them that.  The lady that contacted me and told me about Dr Kumar....her name is Jennifer. The person that stepped up and helped her....her name is Jennifer too. Oh and what is my name???? Jennifer 

Then there is Dr Kumar....where did he go to college??? University of Georgia. Why is that important? Greg is a DYEHARD and I mean REALLY dyehard Georgia Bulldog fan. 

So now we wait for these appointment to gey here and then see what happens next!

HSG tomorrow & how we chose

Tomorrow I go at 1:30 to have the HSG done. I'm looking forward to having it done and over. I've heard it's pretty painful so I'm not looking forward to it at all.

We chose another family since it didn't sound like the Chinese/Caucasian family will accept us. We ended up having Zach draw the choice out of a hat. It was Mom's idea and I thought a really cool idea at that.

So Zach's pick was a donor egg and a bio father. The donor is 24. She is in school for sign language interpretation. She likes cooking, reading, and crafts. The Dad got his certification in computers. He likes anything outdoors, but especially fishing as well as computers. Ok so if you know me and Greg you'd know these people have SO much in common with us that it's scary!! Oh and there are 4 baby embies!!!

We haven't heard back from the agency though. So I don't know what's going on. I hope she's checking with the first family to see if they'll accept us without one of us being Asian, but it could just be that she's taking a day off. 

How do we choose????

It amazes me that as different as embryo adoption vs international adoption is, there is one thing that's always the same. Choosing a baby is SO difficult.

How do we decide? Do we choose a child based on race, age of Mother, height of genetic parents, number of embryos available??? What????

I'm so confused!!!

A little disappointed....

Today I contacted the agency to see if we could adopt the Chinese/Caucasian embryos. There are 9 on the website so we wanted to see about splitting then up. Well the good news was there ended up being just 4 (exactly how many we want). However the family only is interested in a couple who has someone Asian in their family.  We don't have anyone like that so we are out.

I'm disappointed, but I know that God's will shall be done and if we don't match what the donor family are looking for, then God had another donor family planned for us.

Back to looking for our babies. 

Tax day AND Adoption day

Today will be a day I will always remember. Today is tax day. It's a day that most people dread. However for us, it's also they day that we officially begin the journey to our next child. Today I mailed off all our paperwork for the adoption. Now we wait for the agency to accept us. I figure that will happen pretty quickly. Then we can choose our babies.

Wow! This is all coming together so quickly. I contacted the agency for the first time in mid January and we are in mid April and have submitted our paperwork.

God is SO good.

Getting another step closer

Today I got the SHG appt. Next Tuesday, April 20th is the day. I'm praying for a totally smooth and healthy uterus. :)

More news!!! We had loaned and gifted Allison money to pay for a van. She sold her old truck today and so we will be getting our $1500 back. Well $1000 of it for now as she asked to keep $500 for now until she has her tax money. That $1000 is just enough to finish paying for our adoption!!!!

Wednesday we go, along with our friends Penny and Doug, to have our will and a few other documents notarized.

Then we can send everything to the agency!!!!

We are SO close. The closer we get the more excited and scared I get.

I decided to tell Allison today that we are adopting again. She was excited for us. Come to find out she's been having dreams about our baby too.

We all joke about having twins, but we all think it will be just one baby. However we don't agree on if the baby will be a boy or a girl. Allison, Mrs Witherspoon and I say a boy. Mom says a girl. All I do know is that at least one of us will be right. LOL

Wow how time flies

It's hard to believe the clinic appt has come and gone. We are moving along so quickly. Sometimes it scares me how fast this is moving.

The appt went really well. Dr Kutteh said he saw no reason I shouldn't be able to carry a prenancy. The insurance lady at his office said it wouldn't be covered, but after contacting my insurance company I found out it IS covered!!!

We have just a couple more things to get together and then our dossier will be complete. We should be submitting our application by the end of the week!!!

It's all so exciting yet so scary too. I'm scared this won't work. I'm scared we'll spend all this money and come out empty handed. I try really hard to be positive and not get worried, but it's so hard sometimes.

Next step? Choose embryos. Of course that's after we have the money together. We had it and then had to spend it to help Allison get a van. I'm glad we got her the van, but wish we didn't have to spend our adoption money to do it. :(

Hopefully we'll have the money by the end of May. Maybe sooner, Lord willing.

The "Signs" Are There

We've been getting signs that embryo adoption is the right way to build our family. It began many months ago when Allison was pregnant with Haleigh. I dreamed that we were all at Mom's house. I remember I was holding this little baby all wrapped up in a blue blanket. I assume it was a boy and he had black hair. Zach was there and Haleigh was too. Haleigh looked to be about 2 years old. I remember wondering why I was holding a baby in my arms. Then Allison turns around and she's pregnant. A voice in my dream said, "It's not her baby." I found this dream quite strange at the time as I didn't understand it at all. I remember being quite upset that God would send me such a dream when I had finally gotten over wanting to pregnant. Little did I know it was his way of letting me know that I WOULD be pregnant some day. :)

Then there's Mrs. Wetherspoon. She told Mom that she just knew I was going to "have" a baby and that it would be a boy. At the time we were for certain we wanted to adopt a girl so Mom told her so. Mrs. Wetherspoon was insistent that we would HAVE a boy.

Next there are these Huggies and Infamil coupons I keep getting in the mail. I've been getting them for months now. At first I thought they were coming because Allison had signed me up to get them for her to use. I had told her she could so I just assumed that's why I was getting them. When I gave her some of them, she seemed surprised I was getting them. I asked her if she's signed my name up and she said no. Now I'm understanding this was yet another sign.

This week the signs came through my parents. Saturday Mom told me about a dream she'd had. In her dream I was coming in and Zach was walking right with me. Mom said I looked bigger than I currently do. In her dream she said, "Well look at you!" with this smile in her face. She said then she told me I looked tired and my response was, "Yes, I am, but it'll be over soon." At first when she woke she thought this had to do with me losing weight, but since I was actually bigger in her dream than I am now, she couldn't figure out why she would have been excited in her dream for me. Then after telling Mrs. Wetherspoon the dream, she realized it was about me having a baby. I was pregnant in her dream.

Saturday night, Dad dreamed that this little boy (about Zach's age) was standing outside the window at their house. The little boy was saying, "Get up PawPaw and put your hearing aids on!" He said the little boy had a haircut like Zach's and was about Zach's age, but he had blonde hair.

So it's been an eventful few weeks since we decided to go the embryo adoption route. :) We are still very excited and ready to get this ball rolling. Our appointment is now just a month away. We are praying that these are truly signs from God and not just our wishful thinking. Hopefully the fertility doctor will say that I'm able to carry a pregnancy and that insurance will cover our fertility treatments. That would be our next huge hurdle. In the meantime we're going to work on getting our dossier ready for the agency!!! It's exciting to think that this time next year we could be expecting the latest addition to our family!!!

We've still not told but a about 5 people. Most were told because we need references. My Mom is my best friend and I knew I'd need her support while going through this and therefore Greg agreed that it would be ok for me to tell her. Of course I wanted her to tell my Dad because I didn't want him to have his feelings hurt if he found out later that she knew all along. None of the rest of the family knows yet. I hate keeping it secret in a way, but just in case we don't end up with a pregnancy, I don't want to have a bunch of people asking me when we'll be pregnant and having to tell them never.

It all begins

Today I called the Memphis Fertility Clinic and scheduled an appointment to meet with the Dr and find out if I would be able to carry a baby. It's an exciting yet very scary first step. Our appt is March 17th at 10:00.

Greg and I went over all the paperwork for our agency last night. We plan to use Embryos Alive as our agency.

The thought of carrying our child (or maybe even childREN) is very exciting to me. I just pray that we are following God's will and not just spinning our wheels. This is going to be a long scary journey and if we are not following God's will then I know we won't make it.