Wow it's been a while since I posted last and so much has been going on. I fully expected to be into my next cycle by now. Unfortunately we have had to spend all of our FET money and are back to square one. First of all AF has not ever fully come since before my last transfer in March. My doctor says it will come and just give my body time, but I'm getting concerned honestly. I've had spotting on and off the whole time, but none of what they call "full flow" which is what I need to start my next transfer.
So it's looking like we might be able to go in September for our last transfer (IF AF every shows up). Everyone is so sure the devil is just causing all these problems to distract us and keep us down and so they have been praying that God won't allow that to happen. Me on the other hand, I'm SO ready to give up. Greg, Mom, Dad, and a couple friends keep telling me to keep going because this is the one, but I'm not so sure. I just want to move on with my life and my family. Miscarriage is SO hard both mentally and physically. All the hormones are SO hard on my body too. I'm just now starting to feel half way normal again. Those telling me to keep going have NO clue what I've been through. None of them have ever had a miscarriage. None of them have ever had to take hormone shots. Who are they to tell me to keep going?!?!?! Then on the other hand maybe they are the voice of reason. Maybe they are the ones that God is poking at because he knows poking at me doesn't work anymore. I want to follow his will, but I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of shots, tired of flying to CA, tired dealing with miscarriage. I'm just T-I-R-E-D.
Anyway it's been so crazy these days. First our A/C went out last Friday. We were told about a year ago that if it went out again we'd need a whole new A/C unit. Well it lasted all of one more year. :( We had Sears come out for an estimate. What a rip off!!! They wanted to charge us $7800!!!! I then called a friend of mine's A/C guy and he said he would do it for $3000. Much less money, but still money we don't have because we've been spending all our money going back and forth to CA. Here we are a week later and we are using window A/C units in our living room and bedroom while Zach sleeps on a matteress in our bedroom floor. UGH! THIS is what trying to have another child has done to my family!!!! THIS is why I want to quit!!!!
Then there are my inlaws. They are the inlaws from Hell to put it lightly. They want to see Zach and we have refused to let them. Greg won't even answer their calls anymore. They have verbally abused Greg and me for years and had started doing the same to Zach and that's when we cut all ties. Last week we got a certified letter. It was a handwritten letter from them stating that they had tried to contact us and we wouldn't talk to them and if we didn't want to be a part of their family that was fine, but that they want to see Zach. Then stated we should contact them with good or bad news. Ok, well......sorry but you won't be seeing MY son. You have treated him like dirt. You call him a snake, threaten to give him more of his ADHD medication because he's being "bad", tell him if his parents die you will raise him, tell him she is a better Mother than me, whip him almost daily (when he stayed every other week over the summer) because he was being "too loud", don't allow him to play with his toys, make him do yard and house work for you, and the list goes on and on. That's just what you've done to MY son. Not including what you've done to me and YOUR son. Now why in the world would we want to let you see him. REALLY?!?!?!?
Oh and they are threatening to file for grandparents rights. First of all that law doesn't apply to this situation. Second, go right ahead!!! I'll fight you til my dying day to protect MY son from you!!!! You won't hurt my son like you hurt YOUR son. Let me bring out the pictures of you with your 14 year old when ya'll were enjoying a beer together. Let me tell a judge how you drink and drive to this day even though your youngest son was killed in a drinking and driving accident. Let me tell a judge about how you argued with me when my son was just 2 years old about giving him "a little sip" of your margarita. Take us to court (IF you can get anyone to listen to you)! Let me call all the witnesses to how you've treated your OWN son over the years. BRING IT ON!!!!
Then in with all this mess there is a girl who I was best friends with in junior high and then we lost touch and found each other recently on Face.book. She's down on her luck so I've helped her a few times. Well now I've caught her in three lies in the last couple of weeks. I HATE to be lied to. You can do a lot of things, but don't lie to me. I feel so betrayed!!! I call very few people my friends. I "know" alot of people, but you got to be really close to me to be called a friend. I thought she was a friend, but boy was I wrong! This is NOT what I need right now.
My life is all over the board right now and all I want is some peace. I certainly don't need to be trying to have a baby right now with all this stress in my life. Especially when Dr K says you need to do your best to be stress free. Stress free right now is a word I don't understand. My life is too crazy right now. Hopefully by September it will be better and I can go back to CA one last time and then be done with this.
