Rough week & feeling blue

About 8 months ago we transferred 2 precious babies.  While I know everything happens for a reason, right now it's hard to understand why I'm not about to have at least one of those babies.  May 1st was my due date.  This week has been really hard thinking about our loss.  We were SO excited when we saw that one little sac and SO devastated when a few weeks later we were told the baby had stopped growing.  Another lady who's blog I follow posted this video and I thought I'd copy it because it is really how I feel right now.

I had given up on ever carrying a child several years ago and then when we found out about embryo adoption I was so excited at being able to fulfill my dream of carrying a child.  Now having gone through 2 miscarriage I wonder if I'd been better off to have never have even started this.  I'm now committed and don't want to quit yet, but I do sometimes wonder if I'd been better off not having started this process at all.  Maybe it would have been better had I not known it was so easy for me to get pregnant.  Maybe it would have been easier had I not gone through 2 miscarriages.  That changes you (or at least it did me).  It did change me for the better I think because I appreciate life so much more, but still it hurts.

Those that have not experienced infertility and/or miscarriage can't even begin to understand how it feels so to talk to anyone of my family or friends about this is pointless.  They just don't get it. Bless them for wanting to comfort me, but they just can't.  I don't want nor need anyone's pity.  I'm not looking for anyone to tell me it'll be ok.  I just want to have my cry, vent on my blog, and wait for May 1st to pass.  That is why I'm not telling anyone else how I'm feeling.  I'm only posting this to my blog so that I can (God willing) some day look back on this and now where I came from as I hold my precious baby (or babies).  Yes, I still hold out hope that I will carry at least one (maybe two) precious babies and give my son the sibling(s) he's always wanted.

Happy Easter!!!

Happy Easter everyone!!!  Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for our sins.  I am so grateful to have my family living so close so we can share Easter together.  My parents live just about 15 minutes from us and my sister and her family live about 20 minutes away.  Praise God my sister got off work today so we will be able to all be together as a family.  My family is very small.  I have one sister and my sister has one child.  So my parents have 2 daughters, 2 son-in-laws, a grandson, and a granddaughter.  Of course Mom says that's a big family to her because she was an only child.  :)

Greg's family lives close too, but due to some issues between all of us, we aren't close to them.

Anyway, we will be taking Zach out to my parents this afternoon so we can hunt eggs, have lunch, and just enjoy each other.  This morning my son was so excited to see what the Easter bunny brought him.  He's not one of these early morning kids, so we have never been woken up early to see what he got.  He will be 9 in a couple of months and he asked me this morning if we were the easter bunny.  I have dreaded this day since he was a baby.  I hate when the magic is gone from all the fictional characters.  :(  I said I would never lie to him so I told him unless he was REALLY sure he wanted to know I suggest he didn't ask that question.  He says, "I REALLY want to know."  So I told him that his Dad and I are the easter bunny. His response was, "I knew it!  I knew you and Dad help the easter bunny!"  HELP him???  Ok....  LOL

I talked to Dr. K last week and told him we would like to transfer 3-4 embryos this time.  He said he thought that was a good plan and to email the coordinator and set everything up.  I told her we would like to do a transfer in June if we can and so she said to call her with my May period and we'd get me on some birth control.  WOW!!!  May is next month!!!!  That's when it hit me that in about 8 weeks I'll be back in CA and that I will be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) with THREE or FOUR babies!!!!!!  That is exciting and scary all at the same time.

A good friend/co-worker of my Mom's told my Mom that the Bible says to fast and pray when there is something you really want to ask God for.  So she said she was going to fast and pray the month of June for our babies to make it this time.  My Mom told me last night that she's decided to do the same.  She is going to give up cokes for the month of June.  Now for me that wouldn't be a big deal because I don't drink that many, but for my Mom it's HUGE.  She drinks almost nothing but cokes all day long.  I have some of the best family and friends that would give up something and spend a month in prayer for my babies.  :)  I'm going to follow there lead, but I've not decided yet what I'm going to give up. 

PGD - changed my mind

Between my Mom pressing me for what happens to embryos that show abnormal and one of my blog readers questioning me on it, I decided I might need to look into an answer for that question.  Call me naive, but I just assumed we'd refreeze those that were abnormal.  Why I thought that who knows, because if they show abnormal no one's going to want to use them so why in the world would I think they'd refreeze them.

Well thank you to Mom and Jen for asking this question because it got me looking further into it.  I found that they distroy those embryos that don't 'pass' the test.  Greg and I have a REAL problem with this.  It all depends on where you think life begins (I am NOT going to debate on my blog with anyone about where life begins, but I am going to state our opinion).  Greg and I believe that life begins when the egg is fertilized.  Thus our embryos are actually our babies to us.  SO to do PGD and possibly distroy (KILL) any of our embryos is not something we will do.  Grant it when we implant our embryos each time, we risk losing some or all of them.  However, we see that as releasing them back to heaven.

With PGD you are doing a biopsy on the embryo (running the risk of harming them even by doing the test) and then that one cell is tested for any chromosone abnormalities.  The problem with this is that the one cell could be abnormal while all the other cells are normal.  However, because you happen to grab the abnormal one, the embryo is considered abnormal and is discarded.  I also found that just because an embryo has an abnormal cell doesn't mean it will grow into a child with a disability, nor does it mean that your body will ALWAYS miscarry that embryo.  So in reality I don't see any benefit (for US) to do PGD.

Thanks to my Mom and Jen for stepping out there and questioning me on this.  I thought I knew more about it than I did.  Ya'll questioning me caused me to really do several hours of research and what I found did NOT fit mine or Greg's religious beliefs.  Now let me just finish this by saying I'm not saying no one should do PGD.  I'm just saying it's not for us.

Soooo....... since we are NOT going to do PGD, we are going to talk to Dr. K about his first suggestion which was to implant 3-4 embryos.  We think that's what we want to do and then we will just pray that God will allow at least one of them to stay with us for 9 months.

We've made our decision!!!

We have decided to go back to CA again!!!! After much prayer and some long late night talks, we have both agreed that going back to CA to Dr. K is our best option. We looked at some clinics much closer, but the reality is that after paying a new attorney fee (for termination of rights on new embryos), a new consultation fee for a new doctor, and the stress of worrying if we would like the new doctor as well as we like Dr. K and his staff....well....it just made more sense to spend the money and time and go back to CA.

I was SO not excited last transfer. I just didn't have any real feelings about it. This time I am SO excited. I hope that's a good sign. ;) Greg and I have decided we would like to do PGD on our embryos this time and see if that helps us. Our thought is (and we need to discuss this with Dr. K) we thaw 3-4 and do PGD on them. However many show good results with the PGD we implant. So if all 4 get the clearance, then we implant all 4. The thought of 4 babies is VERY scary for us, but we trust that God won't give us more than we can handle so we want to take that leap of faith.

Now I know a few of you who read my blog are in CA so I have a question or two for you. The clinic is in Thousand Oaks. We aren't renting a car. Quite honestly no one that could go with me is comfortable driving in CA so we are taking a town car to the hotel and taxis anywhere else we need to go. So can any of you tell me a good hotel that has free wifi and breakfast that is with in a very short walking distance (like across the street or down the street preferably) of some eating places. (fast food or restaurants doesn't matter) Both times we've stayed at the Hampton Inn and Suites in Newbury Park. It is an AWESOME hotel, but there is only a Del Taco close. We may stay there again anyway and just get groceries at the Ralph's across the street, but I wondered if anyone had any better suggestions.

We are thinking about going the end of June. I don't want to wait too long. For one there's no need to drag it out since my beta is below a 4 now. Also I want to go before my son goes back to school because Greg works very early hours and we would have to have someone take our son to school in the mornings. It's just more to worry about. It's much easier if he is out of school because he can stay with his grandparent(s). July is out because the middle of July is my only niece's birthday and the next week is my son's birthday. So I canNOT miss those days. :)

I also need to share a couple of blessings we received the day that Dr. K called to give us our options. First of all it was my Grandpa's birthday. He turned 88. :) Second I got a call from a lady who saved my business card for almost a year! I used to make and sell jewelry and when I got tired of doing that I took all my stuff to a consignment store to sell. Well this lady bought some of my jewelry from there and loved it so much she saved my business card so she could order more!!! I will be making her some pieces for herself as well as some for her to sell!!! Then that very same day we received a letter stating the insurance company owes us $700!!!! I have to call them tomorrow to get the details, but sounds like they will cut us a check!!! Praise God!!! He always provides for us when we have gotten ready to go for another transfer.

Well here we go again!!! Yay!!!

Phone conference with Dr K - decisions, decisions

I was SO hoping Dr K would have some sort of answers for me that would help us decide one way or another as to what to do. Well that didn't happen. He said that there is NOTHING I could do differently. He said that I am getting pregnant, but that the embryos are just not staying. He said it is probably a genetic issue with the embryos we've used so far. Not that ALL our embryos are 'bad', but so far they've just not been genetically right.

So his recommendations at this point are to implant 3-4 instead of 2 like we've been doing OR thaw 3-4 embryos, do PGD (genetic testing on them) and then implant only the ones that don't show any genetic issues. I asked him about IUI with my eggs and donor sperm. I am still fairly young and don't have any known issues with my eggs so we thought this might be an option that was less expensive and something we could have done here instead of having to fly to CA. He said we could do that, however the success rates are not nearly as good as FET. I asked him what percentages were we talking and he said the two can't even be compared. IUI success rates are SO low.

After our talk he told me to talk it over with my husband and call him when we had a decision. We have NO idea what to do. I was so certain before the phone call that I was done going to CA, but now I don't know. I know he is one of the best doctors, but he's SO far away. I do fully trust what he says though so I don't doubt him one bit.

On the flip side if we do another FET, but just closer to home (say Atlanta or Dallas) we start over with a new Dr., have to get new embryos, pay another attorney fee for those embryos, another consult fee for the new dr, AND our travel costs. So in the end are we really saving anything???

I know that some have used Dr. Keenan in Knoxville and that's fairly close to us, but we will have a hard enough time coming up with the money for a trip to CA much less coming up with more than double that to use Dr. Keenan.

I am SO lost. We are just praying that God will show us what we should do. I need a definite sign as to what we should do. I feel SO lost right now. We've even looked back at doing a regular adoption again, but we aren't comfortable with most of those options and the ones we are comfortable with cost WAY more than we have right now so we'd need to save at least for 2 years. Since our son is almost 9, that's 2 years we really don't want to spend saving up for an adoption.

Beta #2 - negative

Just got a call from the coordinator and beta #2 went down. So we are for sure not pregnant. While I am sad to have lost 2 more embryos I also am at peace with it (as much as you can be I think). I'm ready to move forward now.

Greg and I are looking into several options and with God's guidance know that we will find the best fit for us. We may or may not use our remaining embryos. For now I just know that whatever happens we have each other, our son, and of course God and that makes me feel good.

Dr. K wants to have a phone conference with me on Monday to discuss the next step. I'm curious to hear his thoughts about how we should proceed. I also have alot of questions for him.

My son and I spent the day at the zoo with my Mom and some friends of ours. it was alot of fun, but I am SO tired. It was a good chance to just spend some time with my son and not focus on my infertility. I plan for us to spend many more days like that. I've spent many days crying over not having a sibling for him and it's time to spend less days doing that and more days just being his Mom. :)

Thanks & What next

I wanted to say thanks to all of you who have been so supportive as we deal with the latest news. Thank you for all the prayers and positive thoughts that we will see better numbers tomorrow. You all have been so supportive throughout my journey and it's nice to have blog friends who can relate to what we are going through.

As for what we will do next I'm not really sure yet. We won't wait months to make a decision like we did after our miscarriage, but we will take some time to research and figure out what is the best for us. What I do know is that I'm probably not going back to CA. It's just too far. As I've said before we live in Arkansas and California is a long flight for us. I HATE flying and so I'm sure the anxiety I feel flying doesn't help my embies.

The dilema is that we still have 12 embryos from our donor that are in CA so I'm not sure if our clinic will allow us to transfer those to a closer clinic or if we will have to donate them back to the CA clinic and start over.

Another possibility is we may give up on EA all together and look at domestic adoption again. (I researched it years ago, but haven't in a long time so not sure what's changed) I realize that many people do LOTS of FETs before they get a success, but for us that's just not something we want to do. It's too emotionally draining. At the end of the day I'm just grateful I have at least one child. (and a precious little boy at that)

Not a good beta, but Dr not ready to give up

Well I am at a loss as to how it's possible to get several + pregnancy tests (including a digital one last night) and then have a beta come back at 6. The coordinator called me this afternoon to tell me the number and next I expected her to say to stop all meds. Well she said it didn't look promising, but that Dr. K wasn't ready to give up just yet. She said to continue meds and that I have to wait until Friday and go have another beta. I'm not holding out much hope that my number will be that great on Friday, but I do believe if it is then it can only be a miracle from God.

This is pure torture! Plain and simple. Why couldn't it have just been one way or the other? I mean either be fully negative or fully positive. This sitting on the fence is for the BIRDS!!! I am angry, upset, and frustrated. I will never understand why women who could care less about their kids are able to have them so easy and yet those of us with fertility issues would give ANYTHING to have a child and can't. Makes NO sense to me.

I was watching a show last night and this lady was pregnant. She was due in 4 weeks and hadn't bought the first thing for the baby because anything 'baby' had no "style". She said the thought of anything musical or colorful in the babies room was annoying because she didn't like noise and didn't want to ruin the asthetics of her condo. UGH!!!!

Unfortunately I'm very negative about all of this right now, but this blog was meant for me to get my feelings out and right now I feel like crap!

Can I admit to something....

I'm scared. :~( Seriously I am. I'm trying my best to stay positive and seeings that I've had a few positive pregnancy tests this past week (even if they are still very faint positives), I'm still nervous about tomorrow. I want to see a BIG number. Big for me would be 100 or something around there. I'm not expecting the 400+ I've seen some people get. I'd just be estatic over a 100 beta. (I only got a 27 on my first beta last time)

I don't think I'll fully believe this is real until I hear those babies' heartbeats. That's where we ended last time (went in to see the heartbeat and there was nothing but a sac). I'm SO worried I'll get my heart broken again.

As for 'symptoms'...... bathroom breaks every 2 hours (that's MAX, sometimes sooner). Pulling and tugging and lower back mild cramps (many more than last time). Pants are tighter yet I weighed and I've lost 2lbs (I'm sure this is related to the shots). Sick to my stomach around 5pm every evening that lasts about an hour to hour and a half. Crazy dreams every single night. (I never have crazy dreams like these)

I have been praying every day that God help me have faith that everything will turn out ok. It's still really hard to just relax and let things happen when you've waited SO many years to have a baby. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have good news....