Dropping numbers (Beta #1)

I wrestled with whether I should post this or not, but I started this blog to chronicle my journey to my next child as well as to maybe help others along the way and if I'm really telling the full story, then I need to blog about the good AND the bad.

Yesterday I went for my first dropping beta test. I found out more than I'd wanted to know really. On the 15th when I went for our U/S where we thought we'd see our baby, they did a beta test after telling me I was miscarrying. They didn't see a baby at all (only a sac). Well yesterday I was told my beta on the 15th was 5570. Do what?!?!?! The last beta number I'd been given (about a week or so earlier) was 1652. HOW did it jump so high if there was no baby?!?!? All day I was torn up inside thinking I may have forced a miscarriage of my baby who just needed a little more time before we could see him/her.

I did some research last night and read about a blighted ovum. I had the brown discharge that is a symptom of a blighted ovum. So I think that's probably what happened to me and why my numbers continued to increase and get so high. So while I still hate that our pregnancy ended this way, I'm relieved to know what may have been the cause of everything.

My OB's office called a little while ago to let me know my number from yesterday was 2158. So that's a drop of more than half in about 9 days time. It's sad, but I'm glad to see that number coming down because it means we are that much closer to having closure on this pregnancy and a beginning of another pregnancy.

It's weird to think how much I looked forward to seeing those numbers rise and now I'm ready for them to get back to zero as quickly as possible. Emotionally I'm all over the board. I'm trying to be strong so people will stop asking me if I'm ok. NO! I'm not ok! I'm sad! I know they all mean well and just want to be there for me, but unless you've been through this you can't really fully understand. It's like trying to explain infertility to someone who has 4 biological children and could get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Now that said, I KNOW this is all in God's plan and while I don't understand his reason, I know he has a reason for taking my babies to heaven. I just pray that next time he'll let us raise at least one of our precious babies here on Earth.

My next appointment is on the 6th. I'm praying that my numbers will be well below 1000 by then, but we'll just have to wait and see. I just really want to get all these hormones out of my system so I can feel normal again. I want to move forward and be able to get excited at the prospect of doing another FET.


EDITED TO ADD:

A few people asked what a blighted ovum is. Here is a link that explains. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

I don't think now that the OB had me terminate early. I did at one point, but after reading about the blighted ovum, I think this is what happened to me.

Moving forward

I spoke with my RE, Dr Kumar Wednesday night and he was so sweet. He just kept apologizing over and over. He said he really didn't expect this to happen. It was pretty obvious he was shocked by this outcome. The baby had done so good and then just stopped growing.

After discussing my options to force a miscarriage, he and I agreed that medication would be best for me. So Friday night I took my meds (including a pain killer and sleep aid) and by Saturday morning it was all over. It was such a hard thing to go through emotionally but it was much better for my body than a D&C.

Dr Kumar said he'd call me in a few weeks to discuss what step we'd like to take next. Meaning to do another transfer or stop and donate our remaining embryos back to the clinic.

Greg and I started talking about where we wanted to go from here. We have both agreed that we feel lead to try again. We still have 14 embryos waiting in CA. 6 of those are blasts.

However we've decided that we want to wait until after Christmas to do the transfer. This will give us time to save the money up to go again and will also allow us to enjoy Christmas with our son without the worry of are we pregnant or are we not.

We had just bought some new flooring and have been slowly fixing up our house. So we are going to work on that and let the house and spending time with our son be the priority for now. That should keep us busy through the wait.

I'm also excited that Greg will be going with me this time. I'm sad to leave my son again, but I know he will have a great time with my parents.

Now as for how I/we are feeling. Physically I'm feeling good. The hormones are getting out of my system and I'm starting to feel my self again. Emotionally I'm up and down. When things get quiet are the worst. It's a time I can think and I think about that horrible day and it is so upsetting. However as the days go by I'm having fewer of those moments.

Greg is doing good. He's not one to talk about his feelings. I think mostly he's worried about me. As long as I'm good he seems to be good.

We never told our son so praise God he isn't going through the loss. We just explained that the Dr said Mom is just fine, but she's just sad a little more right now. He accepts that and is the first one to bring me a tissue when I'm emotional.

I want to thank everyone for their support. Between my real life friends and family and all my blog friends, you have all been so supportive of us. So thank you for the bottom of my heart.

God bless.

My babies in Heaven

I'm now the Mom to one precious son here on earth and two precious angels in heaven. We found out today that neither of our babies continued to grow. We lost one early on (probably never attached) and today we found out the second stopped growing at 5 weeks. The brown discharge I had was the placenta pulling away from the wall because the pregnancy wasn't progressing.

While we are so sad to have lost these babies, we know they are with God. God has a bigger plan for them.

For now we will mourn the loss and hold tight to our son and each other.

The next question is obviously will we do this again. Today I don't know. For one we have to come up with the money again. If money wasn't an issue we'd go again in a heartbeat. However money is an issue so I don't know right now. Only time will tell.

Big Day Tomorrow

It's finally here. Tomorrow we will hear the heartbeat of our precious baby and finally see him/her. We are beyond excited and have waited for this day for so many years. I have my fears that we won't see a heartbeat or that there won't be a baby there, but I know I need to just stay focused and stop worrying so much. Outside of some bleeding over a week ago (which my clinic in CA says is normal) I've had no problems.

Another thing that makes tomorrow a big day is that we will finally be telling our son that he's going to have a sibling. He has wanted a brother or sister for so many years and we are finally able to give him one. He doesn't even care if he has a brother or sister, as long as he gets a sibling.

Lastly, tomorrow is the day we tell the rest of the family. DH family haven't been told up until this point for reasons I won't go into on here. Let's just say my DH was concerned about the stress they will cause me. We're still concerned, but I want to tell ALL my family and I can't until he tells his parents. So I finally convinced him it was time to tell. :~)

I'll be 7w2d tomorrow. WOW! I can't believe I've come so far. It feels like it's flown by. I know I have a long way to go, but I never dreamed I'd ever be pregnant much less over 7 weeks pregnant.

The plan for tomorrow is to go to the doctor at 9:20am. Have the ultrasound and first checkup. Then have lunch and enjoy a little couple time to celebrate the new baby. After that we'll go visit my Mom's work so she can finally tell all her co-workers. She's about the bust holding it in for so long. LOL Then will be going to visit Greg's parents and sister to tell them. By the time we've done all that, we will be picking up our son from school and we'll tell him when we get home.

It's going to be a long day, but such an exciting day. :~) Next time I post I'll have a picture to share!!!

Beta #5 - still going strong!

After 5 long days I finally got my beta results thanks to my wonderful coordinator in CA who called on my behalf because I couldn't seem to get the OB's office to call me back. The number is 1651! So I went up from 1152 to 1651!!! The coordinator said that's a good number and that even though it's not doubling I shouldn't expect it to be at this stage in my pregnancy. She said they were happy with that number and to now just wait for the ultrasound on the 15th. Praise God for yet another great day. :~)

I never dreamed when I was told that my number was 27 that I'd end up at 1651 two weeks later. I really expected that my baby wouldn't make it, but I kept praying that God would give me a miracle child that he has done. :~)

So now adding to my thankfuls list is a STRONG baby growing.

Being Thankful

I've had so many ups and downs on this journey lately that I decided I need to remind myself of what all I have to be thankful for. I'm thankful for a God who loves me and helps me through all my trials. I'm thankful I have a Husband who loves me and a son who adores me. I'm thankful for a large family who are there for me any time I need them. I'm thankful for a nice home, good job, and a car to drive. I'm thankful that I'm able to afford to adopt. I have 2 family members who can't have children and can't afford adoption either. To me never knowing the love of a child would be the worst. I'm thankful for God giving me my son as well as the 16 precious embryos. I'm thankful for my children's biological parents because without them I wouldn't be called Mommy. I'm thankful for every day, hour, minute, second I'm able to be pregnant and know that this baby is growing. I'm thankful for the technology that God has given us so that we are able to adopt embryos and also experience pregnancy.

I could go on and on. I have SO much to be thankful for and so for today I'm going to praise God for all these things and have FAITH that he will protect my baby just like I have faith every day that he will protect the rest of my family.

6 wks and issues of last week

Today I'm so happy to be 6 weeks pregnant. Half way through the first trimester. Never did I dream I'd be pregnant much less on my very first fertility procedure.

New symptoms that started in the last week...I am craving Mexican food ALL the time. I'm not normally a big fan of it which is funny. Also I have to pee ALL the time!!! My Mom and I went to the movies today and she was laughing because I had to go to the bathroom more times than her. LOL

Late last week was really rough. I decided not to put it on my blog until I could talk about it without being so emotional.

Wednesday I had some spotting while at work. I called the OB and went in for an HCG test. It came back great. So Thursday I prayed all day to not having anymore spotting and praised God that night that I didn't. About 11pm on Thursday night I woke to bleeding bright red and passing a couple of handfuls of clots. I was scared and shaking as I woke up my husband. He offered to take me to the ER but I didn't want to worry my son as he doesn't know about the pregnancy yet.

I ended up waiting until the OB's office opened and then called for an appointment. They got me in at 10:40 and did an ultrasound. They could see one sac (too early to see the baby) and outside of some bloody residue when the OB checked me I wasn't actively bleeding. Thank God. They also did another HCG but I won't have the results until Tuesday.

I called Dr Kumar's office and spoke with Arlene. She told the dr everything and he said not to worry. He said everything is fine. She also warned me I'd have some old brown blood for a few days and not to be alarmed.

Since that night I haven't had any more red blood. I've only had the dark brown Arlene told me about. Praise God.

The OB wants to do another ultrasound on Friday to check for a heartbeat and to see if we can see the baby. The sac Friday measured 5w1d and I was 5w5d. She said that was a good sign that the sac was measuring so close.

So the OB says to be cautiously optimistic and the RE says everything is fine and not to worry. I'm trusting my RE on this one and just continuing on as normal.

Unfortunately my DH won't be able to be with me when I see our baby Friday. He has to work and because this was a last minute appointment, I had to take the appointment I could get. :(

Baby is growing!!! Numbers were good!!!

After a long day of waiting for the results of my beta, I finally got them this afternoon. The number is 1152!!!! Two days ago it was 585 so they almost doubled again!!! The OB says since I have stopped bleeding and the numbers are still really good then she thinks everything is fine.

About 8pm last night I finally stopped spotting and my stomach stopped feeling so tight.

Praise God for yet another day of happiness with our baby. :~)

This Mommy will sleep so much better tonight.

Spotting & mild cramps

Well I'm trying my best not to worry about this. Several people have told me it's nothing to worry about, but I can't help but to worry.

I was at work today and had a small amount of brown spotting on my toilet paper. It's gotten less and less as the day has gone on. I've also had some very mild tightness in my stomach off and on.

I called the OB and she had me come in to have another HCG test to make sure my numbers are still rising. Unfortunately I won't know the results until sometime tomorrow.

I'm just praying that I'm overreacting and that the baby is safe and sound. Hopefully 2 weeks from now we will be seeing our precious miracle on ultrasound and see that he/she is just fine.