Waiting & Memorial Weekend

I've waited all of May for AF to arrive so I would finally have to decide if we were going back to CA or not.  Now that I've finally made the decision to honor Greg's wishes and go back one last time, AF just won't come.  I emailed the coordinator at the clinic today to ask what I should do and she told me to "just wait and it will come".  UGH!!!  Yet again something out of my control.

I was cleaning out some things in our room this morning and found the picture of my last 2 embryos.  It made me sad, but it was the first time I didn't cry when I saw them.  Maybe I'm finally getting over that hump.  I sure hope so.  I hate feeling so down.  It really scared me when I was bad.

I guess my biggest reason for wanting to know when is about the money.  I have all but $400 of the money I need already in my bank account.  However we just finished fixing our pool and we need some supplies to build some steps so that I can get in and out of the pool  (no more pool ladders for me!  I hurt myself really bad a few years ago on a ladder and haven't been on one since).  I don't want to spend into my trip money though just in case AF comes and we are able to get started in the next week or so.  Decisions, decisions.  I want to swim SO bad.  I love swimming.  It's probably the only exercise that I truly enjoy.

It is Memorial weekend.  Normally it's pretty quiet around our house on this holiday.  However, we decided to have a cookout with my parents.  Greg is going to fix his famous ribs.  (YUMMY!)  We will also have baked beans and potato salad.  Mom's bringing a dessert.  Should be a fun time of eating some great food and visiting with my parents.  Also a good time to get my mind off things.

Putting things into prospective

I've been on this woe is me pity party for months.  I've convinced myself not to go back to CA again (even though Greg doesn't agree and has asked me to go one more time).  I've even told myself over and over that I'm wasting time and money because it's not going to work anyway.  Like I said, HUGE pity party.

Yesterday I was reading the blog of a lady I've followed for a long time.  She is the one who actually told me about Dr. K in the first place.  Anyway her blog referenced another blog of a lady that needed pray.  I went to that blog and began reading.  Come to find out, this lady was blessed with triplets.  Those little boys are 6 months old.  The other day one was laid down for a nap and when she went to check on him he was on his stomach and not responsive.  Long story short they are doing tests on him now to see if he is brain dead.  (They are pretty sure his soul is already gone.)

I read pages and pages this lady had posted over the last several days and what caught my attention was how much she leaned on God for strength and how she held out such high hopes that her son would recover.  I read where she said he would never be the same, but as long as he was with them that's all that mattered.  Unfortunately it looks like he will pass away very soon (once they unhook the machines).  However even in their grief, they are donating every organ possible.

Reading this lady's blog really put things into prospective for me.  While yes I have a right to mourn the loss of my babies, I seem to have forgotten to praise God that I got to carry those babies even if for a short while.  I also have forgotten to praise God for the beautiful son I have here on Earth with me.  Instead of giving up hope that I'll get pregnant and keep a pregnancy next time, I should be praising God for the finances to do another transfer and praying that he lets me keep at least one of my babies on Earth this time.

I can't even imagine what that lady is going through, but she has truly helped me put things in prospective and realize that I need to get my head out of the sand, hold it up high, and remember that no matter what God has EVERYTHING under control.

Testing My Faith

I've had a lot of ups and downs along this road to another child (or children) and along the way my faith has been tested greatly.  However, I don't think it's ever been tested as much as it's being tested now.  It took me 3 long years to decide that God was leading me to embryo adoption.  When I first looked at it, I immediately said "No way will I ever do that!".  Then after 3 years of searching for our child, God lead us back to EA.  At that point I was so excited to have ANY idea of which way to go that it took very little faith for me to step out there and try it that first time.  The second time we went I reminded myself that just because I miscarried once didn't mean I'd miscarry again.  I took that chance and stepped out there again and taking a little more faith to do so.

This time around I KNOW I could miscarry again.  I've done it twice already.  I had 16 embryos when I began.  Four are now dancing in Heaven so 25% have left us already.  I'm scared....I'm honestly scared to death of another miscarriage.  I keep trying to convince myself that I need to just have faith and that God will provide, but it's hard.  Harder than anything I've ever done.

My whole life I've planned.  I'm a planner.  I organize and plan every thing that I do.  I never jump into anything without first having researched it.  I knew what I wanted to do for a career when I was in 6th grade.  I knew by the time I was in high school how I wanted to have my life turn out.  (college, marriage, house, then kids)  I followed my plan to the letter.  When Greg asked me to marry him I was just 17 years old and told him he'd have to wait because I was going to finish college first.  Three months after I finished college, we married.  A week later I got my dream job.  Two years after that we bought our first house.  When we found out a year later that Greg couldn't have kids, we moved on to adoption which I had been researching for 6 months prior to finding out Greg's diagnosis.  I've ALWAYS planned EVERYTHING and now here I am and I can't do ANYTHING.

It's hard.  I want to quit.  I want to give up.  I want to cut my losses, mourn the loss of our babies and move on!  I've tried to figure out when I'm so back and forth about whether or not to go.  I figured it out this weekend.  I'm not in control.  I have NO control over this.  No control over whether or not the embryos will make it through the thaw and no control over whether or not they will live on Earth or in Heaven.  It's the first time in my life that I've not felt in control and it scares me.

I know I should just have faith.  Faith will get me through this.  However, when you've spent the first 33 years of your life in control of everything (or at least feeling like you were in control), it's hard to let go and let God handle it all knowing that in the end (no matter what the outcome) that it will be ok.

A couple nights ago I finally broke down to Greg and told him I wasn't sure I wanted to do this again.  He listened to me and let me talk/cry it out.  That's when I realized that what was holding me back was my fear of not being in control.  Greg hardly EVER speaks his mind.  Usually he's more apt to say whatever I want to do is fine with him.  In our 12 years of marriage only a handful of times has he ever spoke his mind and said what HE wanted to do.  Well that night was one of those nights.  He said, "I really think you need to go to CA one more time.  I just really think you need to do it."  His words are what is keeping me going forward.  I'm GOING to step out on faith.  I'm GOING to go to CA.  If not for me, then for Greg.

Now if I can just figure out how to get this gloom and doom out of my head I'll be in good shape.

What a crazy week

I feel like I'm so behind on everything especially on keeping up with my friends.  I've been SO down lately and then to add to that being sick AND having to work lots of extra hours the last week to get things done at work and that makes for one tired woman.

The good thing about all the hours is it's lots of extra pay that I can sure use right now.  I've not been talking about my transfer lately mainly because I'm not really had time to think about it.  Probably a good thing because when I do think about it, it worries me.  I worry that it won't work and I'll be heartbroken again.  How will I go through it yet again!  The flip side is I worry that it WILL work and I'll have more than 2 embryos take.  That would financially be devastating for us.  Not sure how we'd make that work other than by Greg quitting his job to take care of the kids.  Not ideal for sure.

I've been SO sick the last 2 weeks.  I don't think I ever got over being sick during my transfer.  I'm still waiting for AF to come, but I'm ok with that because I have an infection in my toe and I need to have surgery on that before my transfer anyway.  I don't want ANYTHING to affected my babies.

I wish so badly I could get excited about this transfer.  I read back on my first transfer and how estatic I was.  I wish I could feel that way now, but when you've gone through all this twice, it's hard to get excited a third time.  I'm going to try my best to just enjoy ever second of this experience because it is probably my last time.  I just keep praying that #3 is it for us.  Three has always been a very lucky number for us.  Greg was born on the 3rd.  Both Dad's parents born on the 13th.  My son on the 30th.  Greg and Dad's favorite numbers are 3 and 13.  Of course there is also the saying that "3rd time's the charm".  I pray it's really the charm for us.

Happy Mother's Day

Today I was sick all day.  Still am actually.  My son and Greg got me two sweet cards, some new perfume, lotion, and a pretty necklace (which unfortunately my neck is too big for).  We had KFC for lunch (my choice).  I laid in bed all day which is something I never do.

This year Mother's day was a little different.  The last 8 years I've been the Mom to one precious little boy who I am SO grateful for.  This year though is the first year that I'm also the Mom to 4 precious babies in Heaven and 12 frozen babies in CA.

At one of my low points recently, my Mom told me something that I think about every time I start to get sad about our losses.  She said that my babies are in Heaven playing with Jesus and Grandma Brown while they wait for me to come home.  While I'm in no hurry to go home it's a neat thing to think about.  Actually makes me feel good to think that they are no longer frozen in time but are happily playing now.

My son has asked me several times about whether or not he has a brother.  It's really strange because I know his family history and know that he didn't have any brothers (unless one was born after we adopted him).  Makes me wonder if maybe he WILL have a brother and I just don't know it yet.  ;)

I have to share a couple of proud Mommy moments for this past week while I'm talking about Mom's day.  My son was given some money by me for his field day on Friday.  He had about $5 left over when  he came home.  We went to the store to get a couple of things that afternoon.  There was some people there asking for money for the flood victims.  I told him to take the money left and give it to the guy.  He didn't hesitate and out the while wade of money into the bucket.  As we walked away he said, "That was so cool!  I just helped someone else that doesn't have anything!"  Made me SO proud.

Later that same afternoon he started asking about his birthmom Ana.  He asks questions every once in a while about her and I'm always as honest as I can be with him.  So he asked me why she didn't keep him.  I explained that I didn't know for sure but thought it was because she was poor and couldn't afford to raise him.  He began asking about her house and things like that.  I told him I expected she probably had a small home with a dirt floor (typical for the area of Guatemala she lives in).  He says, "Well when I go to college and get a good job I'm going to pay for her a big house.  I don't want anyone I know to be poor."  I swear that little boy has a heart of gold.  :)

Why I have decided to go private

Over the last year alot of things have happened.  One of which I have not included in my blog mostly to protect Greg and partially to not air our dirty laundry.  However, I originally created this blog for me and not for the world and so I'm going back to private so I can say what I need to say without someone finding out I said it and thus causing more problems for Greg.

Greg's Mom is an absolute B****!  Always has been and always will be.  She has never treated Greg like a son or me like a daughter-in-law.  She has always talked down to us, bossed us around, and basically treated us like dirt.  She's told Greg he should stay at his current job because he can't do anything else.  She's told me many times how "big" I am.  Mind you she's as big or bigger than me.  I could go on and on with that subject.  However, the last straw was what she told MY son.  She told him that we were bad parents.  She then told him that if me and his Dad died she would raise him.  Ok first of all we have a will in place and she will NEVER raise my child!!!  So that I'm not concerned about.  It's the fact that she would say these things to an 8 year old little boy!!!  WTH!!!  That was last October when that happened.

Greg confronted her about the"bad parents" comment (before we knew about the "us dying" comment).  She thought she was making it all better by saying she didn't mean Greg was a bad parent, she meant I was a bad Mom.  This coming from the woman who's son liked to have died in a car accident and when I called her she said she would be home in a few days.  FEW DAYS!!!  Your son almost died, you're shopping a few hours away and you're not rushing home!?!?!?  This is also the same person who has tried to break us up for the last 15 years!!!!  Who threatened to sue me for "grandparents rights"  (laughed my butt off on that one).  Like I say I could go on and on about all the crazy hateful stuff she's done.

Anyway, after that, Greg finally had enough and has spoken to her only a handful of times since then.  As of a few weeks ago she started pestering him (calling, texted, and emailing several times a day for a couple of weeks).  She wanted to see our son for Easter and that's why she was driving Greg crazy.  He finally told her he was not ready to talk and to leave him alone.  He told her when he was ready to talk he would call her.  Well she didn't respect his wishes and continued to pester him.  She has gotten so out of control that I've suggested we file a restraining order against her because she is constantly harassing him.

He posted a status on Facebook (copied from my status) about some friends being like family even though they are not blood related.  She first "liked" his comment and then sent him a private message saying he seemed to have forgotten the meaning of family and he needed to reread his own post.  No he hasn't forgotten what family is!!!  Family is those who support you and love you through everything.  She hasn't done that!!!  She's belittled him and treated him like crap!!!

She also called him recently called him to tell him to not listen to what a couple of people say about her because they are lying.  It was a couple of her employees she was referring to.  He explained to her that it was none of his business what went on there and he could care less.  She went on to tell him that his sister "heard" that we were talking to these people on Facebook.  Well yes we have, but only small talk like "hi, how are you?  how's the family? etc.  Which first of all why is it ANY of her business who we talk to and SECOND who has the nerve to be spying on us.  Well only person we can figure is Greg's brother-in-law.  He's always trying to get in good with the family (he used to be the outcast like me).  So he got deleted from both our friends lists.  It's SO childish!!!!  I'm SO sick of all of this.  I want to just move as far away from them as I can!!!!

So because of these recent events this past month, I decided to go back private.  I don't want any way for her to find me and then cause Greg even more stress.

On the good side of things, since she has been out of our lives, our marriage has gotten so much better and so much stronger.  We don't argue hardly ever anymore and when we do it's very short and we usually resolve it in an hour or so.  Nothing major like before.  We are the closest we've been in our 12 years of marriage.  I really think without our marriage being so strong we wouldn't have made it through the last 2 miscarriage.  Greg has been my rock.  He's been the one I've leaned on through all of this.  When I felt I had no one to turn to, he was there to hold me and comfort me.  While infertility and miscarriage can tear people apart, it has made our relationship stronger.

Well getting all that out, I'm glad to be back in private mode.  I've got alot to say that I didn't feel I could say in public mode because people make comments.  Even when they think they are being comforting, they aren't.  For example, I know God loves me and is there for me and will take care of me, but I am STILL upset, worried, and scared of what's to come.  I want to be able to get those emotions out without people reading feeling the need to comfort me.  I know people mean well, but I don't need comforting as much as I need to vent.

Man!  I've been in a terrible funk lately and to get some of this out is really helping.  I hope I can get back to my normal self very soon.

Praise God for my job, but prayers for others

Today has been a very hard day.  I was told in all 200 people were let go in my division.  Of those I personally knew about 7 of them.  Most of those 7 are great people, hard workers, and didn't deserve to be let go.  It's been a scary few months worrying about this and we are pretty sure this won't be the last time.  We had a bunch of people let go 2 years ago too.  Funny thing is the company is making money hand over fist.  UGH!  Corporations!!!

My boss has been an absolute butt!  He called meetings with each group yesterday and proceeded to chew us out for absolutely nothing.  I'm SO sick of it all!  I'm ready to find another job, but have such good benefits, I hate to leave right now when I'm going to be doing another transfer next month.

Speaking of the transfer, I'm actually very calm about the 3-4 embryos we plan to implant.  What I'm worried about is how I'll feel if this doesn't work.  Take that back....this has GOT to work!  This is it for me!  I have some 2PN embryos left, but living so far away and those having to be grown out, it's probably best another family closer use those.  Dear God can you PLEASE let us keep at least just one!  :~{ 

The layoffs have begun...

This week my work started laying off people at my location.  They had already laid off alot at the main office and now it's our turn.  It's a scary thing to think about.  I've been told that my group won't be affected, but until after this week I won't be able to relax.

Two people I know were walked out yesterday.  It was SO sad to hear about how this was done.  They come into work, and once at work are handed a slip and given a little time to pack their stuff and say goodbye.  Really????  Could you not just call people at home and warn them?!?!?!  I think it's so cruel the way companies handle layoffs.

Then we were told this morning that those who are left will be subjected to quarterly reviews.  So every quarter you will be under review.  You will have objectives to meet and if those aren't met you will be put on probation.  If you don't do better the next quarter then you will be wrote up and after the 2nd write up you'll be fired.  I swear it's beginning to feel more like a factory than an office.  It makes me really sad this is what this company has come to.  I've been there 12 years and never has it been this bad.  Now mind you I've always done a good job and never been repremanded for anything, but still having these reviews 4 times a year is really stressful.  (especially when you could lose your job, but yet if you do a GOOD job you don't get a pay increase or anything out of it)

To add to the stress we've got my boss who is dealing with family issues and taking his anger out on us.  Most of the time he is a good man who really does care about his employees, but lately he's become a real jerk.

Because of all the flooding here, my son was out of school today.  I didn't have anyone who could keep him so I worked from home.  My boss called me for a conference call to basically give us what for.  (mind you what he was going off about is out of our control!)  I was so angry that I just didn't say anything because I knew what I would say would be disrespectful.

With all the crap I'm dealing with at work and then the stress that my husband's Mom is putting us through (whole other story....), how am I EVER going to be stress free (or even close to it) for our tranfer next month.  I'm just praying I can get my head out of the drama and into protecting my babies.

I'm in a funk that I've never been in before.  I've been down or in a bad mood for a few days, but never like this.  I just don't want to be bothered.  I want to hide my head in the sand and avoid everyone.  I'm also changing my blog back to private.  I want to talk about some stuff going on in my life on here without the whole world reading it right now.  For those who have been following me a while I don't mind adding you so you can continue reading, but I think for the rest of the world I want to hide for a while.  I'm also going to change some things up (remove some personal pictures and names) so that I can't be found so easy.  I'll explain later on why I want to do that.