Testing My Faith

I've had a lot of ups and downs along this road to another child (or children) and along the way my faith has been tested greatly.  However, I don't think it's ever been tested as much as it's being tested now.  It took me 3 long years to decide that God was leading me to embryo adoption.  When I first looked at it, I immediately said "No way will I ever do that!".  Then after 3 years of searching for our child, God lead us back to EA.  At that point I was so excited to have ANY idea of which way to go that it took very little faith for me to step out there and try it that first time.  The second time we went I reminded myself that just because I miscarried once didn't mean I'd miscarry again.  I took that chance and stepped out there again and taking a little more faith to do so.

This time around I KNOW I could miscarry again.  I've done it twice already.  I had 16 embryos when I began.  Four are now dancing in Heaven so 25% have left us already.  I'm scared....I'm honestly scared to death of another miscarriage.  I keep trying to convince myself that I need to just have faith and that God will provide, but it's hard.  Harder than anything I've ever done.

My whole life I've planned.  I'm a planner.  I organize and plan every thing that I do.  I never jump into anything without first having researched it.  I knew what I wanted to do for a career when I was in 6th grade.  I knew by the time I was in high school how I wanted to have my life turn out.  (college, marriage, house, then kids)  I followed my plan to the letter.  When Greg asked me to marry him I was just 17 years old and told him he'd have to wait because I was going to finish college first.  Three months after I finished college, we married.  A week later I got my dream job.  Two years after that we bought our first house.  When we found out a year later that Greg couldn't have kids, we moved on to adoption which I had been researching for 6 months prior to finding out Greg's diagnosis.  I've ALWAYS planned EVERYTHING and now here I am and I can't do ANYTHING.

It's hard.  I want to quit.  I want to give up.  I want to cut my losses, mourn the loss of our babies and move on!  I've tried to figure out when I'm so back and forth about whether or not to go.  I figured it out this weekend.  I'm not in control.  I have NO control over this.  No control over whether or not the embryos will make it through the thaw and no control over whether or not they will live on Earth or in Heaven.  It's the first time in my life that I've not felt in control and it scares me.

I know I should just have faith.  Faith will get me through this.  However, when you've spent the first 33 years of your life in control of everything (or at least feeling like you were in control), it's hard to let go and let God handle it all knowing that in the end (no matter what the outcome) that it will be ok.

A couple nights ago I finally broke down to Greg and told him I wasn't sure I wanted to do this again.  He listened to me and let me talk/cry it out.  That's when I realized that what was holding me back was my fear of not being in control.  Greg hardly EVER speaks his mind.  Usually he's more apt to say whatever I want to do is fine with him.  In our 12 years of marriage only a handful of times has he ever spoke his mind and said what HE wanted to do.  Well that night was one of those nights.  He said, "I really think you need to go to CA one more time.  I just really think you need to do it."  His words are what is keeping me going forward.  I'm GOING to step out on faith.  I'm GOING to go to CA.  If not for me, then for Greg.

Now if I can just figure out how to get this gloom and doom out of my head I'll be in good shape.