Putting things into perspective

Last week as we were making plans to call the RE here and start the process to see if DS IUI was an option for us, and having that woe is me feeling that things hadn't gone as we wanted over the past year with donor embryos and our pregnancies, we got a reality check.  While taking our son to a routine yearly doctor's checkup the ped found some suspicious spots and has now started the ball rolling to have genetic testing done on our son.  These spots are the first sign of neurofibrometosis.  After going home in shock and looking up this disease we were devastated to find what all could be wrong with our little boy.

Just a little bit about it for those who don't know (I'd personally never heard of it until last Tuesday).  It can cause tumors to grow anywhere and everywhere on the body, it can cause cancer, blindness, developmental issues, seizures, and the list goes on and on.  On the flip side it can possibly never progress past the simple spots he has now.  To say we're scared is an understatement.  We are shocked, worried, scared, you name it.  The sad part is there is no cure.  Only lots of monitoring, x-rays, MRIs, and removal of any tumors that come up.

Now the other possibility which we are SO praying for is that he got a bad case of chiggers (he could have since he and his Grandpa fish alot) and we didn't know it.  I don't check his groin on a regular basis (where most of the spots are located) and when he has a brown spot here or there on his legs or arms I just chalk it up to a scare from a bite or scratch.  He HAS complained of itching a time or two and I've just given him cream and told him to tell me if the itching didn't stop.  I mean he's NINE.  I don't look 'down there'!

So where do we go from here.  Do we continue to go down the path of trying to do DS IUI or do we hold of and wait for the results of the genetic testing (3-6 months at least) before starting anything new?  If we wait, what will change exactly.  If we wait and find out he has this disease will it change our desire to have another child?  These are all questions I don't have answers to.

Right now we are just focused on praying that our son does NOT have this horrible disease and thanking GOD for ALL the blessings we have.  Times like this make the daily worries seem so silly.

Going back to public!!!

Several months ago I chose to go private with my blog because of some issues we were having at home and wanting to keep things out of the public eye.  However some things have changed with the family situation and I now could care less if the person I was 'hiding' from reads my blog anymore.  Long story and not one I'll go into here.

Anyway.... point is that I'm back in the open blogging world!!!!  I've been reading everyone's blogs still, but just not commenting.  Congrats to all the new babies and the pregnancies of my fellow bloggers!!!  I continue to think about those waiting for their 'turn'.

As you will see if you read my post just before this one, we have taken a different route in our journey to add another child to our family.  While not a decision that was easily made, at this point it's a decision we felt we needed to make.

Now back to blogging!!!

We've made a hard decision to....

We've made the hard decision to relinquish our rights to our donated embryos.  We have talked about what to do the last few weeks and after much thought and many conversations, we have decided it's time to call it quits with the embryos we currently have.  This was not an easy decision, but one we felt was the right decision for us.  We have several reasons for making this call....travel back and forth to CA is stressful AND expensive.  Leaving my son and my husband for each trip is stressful.  Flying is stressful.  Having to coordinate between my OB here and my RE in California is stressful when the OB's office doesn't always understand what I need.  Then there are the embryos.  We have transferred 4 of the 16.  Both transfers I got pregnant and both transfers ended in miscarriage.  According to my OB and RE it's not me, but the embryos genetic makeup.  Now grant it, we could transfer 3 or 4 on a third try and get one or two that take, BUT we could also transfer all 12 left and never have a full term pregnancy.

If our embryos were here we would probably try again, but because they are half way across the country we just don't think we should continue to try.  So we will donate them back to the clinic and they will find another family to donate them to.  It feels a little like giving my babies away, but then I think about what good keeping them does if I can't/won't go back to CA to transfer any of them again.

So where do we go from here..... well we see three options.  One we go to a local RE (whom we started with in the beginning, but since he didn't do donor embryos we moved on) and do the testing he has available for women who have been through multiple miscarriages.  Then we look at doing IUI with donor sperm.  (more on that later)

Second choice would be to pay off our bills over the next year and in November 2012 when we are able to take a loan against my 401K, we use that money to adopt a child or newborn.  I'm perfectly happy with this option because I don't care anymore if I carry a child or not.  I'm finally passed that.

Third choice, and the one I pray God doesn't choose for us, is to be a family of three and move on with our lives.  This one is the hardest to accept.  I love my son to death, but the idea of him being our one and only child breaks my heart.  So not only can we not give birth to a child, but we can only have one child?????  That would be the hardest for me to accept.

Now back to IUI with donor sperm.  I told Greg about this option several months ago, but I was really against it.  I just couldn't get over the idea of a child that is biologically mine and not his.  Then someone brought to my attention that there was no difference in that and a child from donated embryos.  Their point was that even a donated embryo would get part of me because I was the one carrying the child.  While I don't agree 100% with this thought process, I did understand where they were coming from.  I mean look at my son.  He is in no way blood related to me or my husband, but he acts and sometimes looks so much like us that it's scary.  So many times people have thought he was my bio son and are stunned when they find out not only is he not, but he's also a different race.

So the plan is this.  Go to our RE here locally and see what he says about my miscarriages and the possibility of IUI with donor sperm.  If he agrees with doing IUI then we will look at finding a donor through one of the donor banks and try a few IUIs.  If after say 3 tries it doesn't work then we will call it quits and wait for next year and at that point decide if we want to adopt or if we are just ready to be done completely and be happy with just having our son.

Well here we go down yet another path.  I feel like we are SO all over the board.  I just pray that we can feel God guiding us one way or another really soon. 

Goodbye old friend.....I will miss you

A year ago Sunday I found out for the very first time in my life that I was pregnant.  It was the happiest I've been outside of adopting my son and marrying my husband.  Now I'm so grateful for the few precious weeks I have with my baby.  I can honestly say I don't regret that transfer for a second.  God blessed me with 2 babies even though they had to go to Heaven.

This year on Sunday was a sad day.  Not because I mourned the loss of my babies, but be cause I mourn the loss of a very dear friend.  Gary was a great friend, co-worker, and Father figure.   We had alot of great times together over the last 13 years.  Today I was reading a poem written about him by another co-worker and I was remembering all the stories he told and funny things he said.  He was such a character and someone who really taught me to lighten up and not take things so seriously.

We were so close that outside of my immediate family, the person I called first when I found out I was pregnant was Gary.  He was SO happy for me.  He saw me go through the struggles of infertility and adoption.  He retired a few years ago, but we always kept in touch and got together with my other co-workers as often as we could.

Gary had a massive heart attack that took his life Sunday afternoon.  I am having a hard time realizing that he's really gone.  It all feels like a bad dream.  I want to wake up and call my friend Gary.  Gary chose to be cremated.  He wasn't a religious man for the most part and so he didn't want a funeral or a service or anything.  His wife decided to have a memorial service anyway.  That won't be for another couple weeks though.  HOW am I supposed to go?  HOW am I to face the reality that he's gone?  I don't know, but I have to do it.  Even though Gary would be cursing us for attending a service for him, I have to go.

I just wish he would have stayed with us longer.  He was only 65.  Work parties just won't be the same without him.  Who am I going to call when I need someone to listen to me and not judge me?  Who's going to call me late in the afternoon to tell me some crazy movie that's on that I could care less about.  While annoying sometimes, I'll miss that.  I'll miss all his stories about the places he had worked and things he had seen.  Gary was more than a co-worker, more than a friend.  He was family.

I'll miss you old friend......

Just an update

Wow!  It's hard to believe it's been a month since I last posted to this blog.  Alot has been going on in our personal lives and I've just not taken the time to sit down and type.

Zach's party went well.  He got lots of cool things.  He and his friends went swimming and had cupcakes and ice cream.  All was well.  My mother in law did come (I invited her.  I either have a big heart or I'm just crazy).  For the most part she acted nice.  As nice as she could be at least.  That is until she was leaving.  Then she decided to start stuff with Greg.  Much to my surprise Greg put her in her place and sent her on her way.  So all in all a great party.  I still can't believe my baby is 9.

The same weekend AF started and didn't leave for a whole week.  She was NOT nice to me either.  Full flow and very painful the whole time.  I'm just glad she finally came (and finally left) and hopefully now I can get back on schedule.  Also that weekend I got the bill for the storage of our embryos.  UGH!  What a weekend that was.

I'm still not sure I want to do another transfer.  I've been trying my best to find another route, but none seem to work for us.  I know at some point I'm going to have to just give in to God's will.  I normally don't have alot of trouble with that, but this time, the fear of my heart getting broken again is keeping me from moving forward with another transfer.  The money is not there for us to go yet so I've been able to use that excuse for a little while, but in another couple of months we WILL have the money and then I'm going to have to face my fear I guess.  Knowing this is God's will for my family and knowing it's what I'm supposed to do, but having this horrible fear of another miscarriage is NOT good.  I know I'll go back to CA one last time, fear or no fear, but how do I focus on staying positive when I REALLY don't want to do this.  All I know to do is just pray, pray, pray that these next embryos will be very strong and able to make it no matter how much their Mommy worries that they won't.

It bothers me that I see almost all the original bloggers I followed last year have either had their babies or are about to have them.  Makes me SO sad.  We dealt with infertility years ago and then ended up adopting our precious son.  Now to be dealing with it yet again feels like we just started all over.  I hate the feeling of being a failure.  I know that it's not my fault, but when you have not one, but two miscarriages, it's hard to question what you did wrong.

On a happy note, my boss offered me a new position Friday.  He asked me to be the SUPERVISOR over my department!!!!!  I said yes!!!!  I am thrilled and nervous all at the same time.  I've worked with these guys for a long time.  Some for as much as 10 years.  Still I'm nervous about how they will feel having me as their boss instead of co-worker and how I'll handle being their boss when we have to deal with the tough issues that come up sometimes.  On the other hand I think it's a great opportunity for me and I never dreamed that at 33 years old that I'd be a supervisor at my company.  I was a supervisor at Kro.ger when I was a teenager, but that's nothing like this.

Now that my professional life is moving up I pray that my personal life (or more my personal feelings) will get better too.

Just rambling and my baby boy turning 9

It's been MONTHS since my last transfer (March to be exact) and I have yet to see a full flow period.  Until I put my body through hormone hell I was as regular as clock work.  Now I have a little here and a little there.  I found a couple of weeks of birth control I had left from my first transfer so I decided to take it and see if after I stopped if it would force my body into a regular period.  I have two more days of active pills so we will see soon I hope.

My weight is staying within the same few pounds.  No matter what I do I can't seem to lose weight.  I was doing low carb for a while and although my clothes didn't feel as tight, I didn't lose a single pound.  :~(  I've fought my weight my whole life, but usually I could lose weight if I changed this or that.  Now....not happening.

As for transfer plans I'm still struggling to get excited about going again.  I just really don't want to go anymore.  I keep saying that over and over in my posts, but it's honestly the truth.  My desire to get pregnant is gone.  As for more children, I still would give anything to have just one more child, but I can finally say I'd also be ok if we were just a family of three.  Zach wouldn't like that so much though.  He wants a sibling SO bad.  It makes me sad for him.

We are still working to pay off the money that was spent on our A/C unit.  I can't complain because I'm so blessed to even have A/C, but it is taking us a while to pay it off.  Until it's paid all mention of transfers is on hold.  Greg asked the other day when we would be going back to CA.  I told him it's not even something I want to talk about until we have the A/C unit paid off, but my goal is to be able to go back end of September or October.  We will see how that works out.....

My baby boy will be celebrating his 9th birthday next week.  While I love watching him grow up, I'm also sad to see him grow up.  I so vividly remember the first time I got to hold this little tiny 9 month old baby.  He could barely sit up and didn't crawl much.  Just the tiniest little thing.  I NEVER thought he'd grow.  LOL  Now he's about 4' 4" and probably 55-60lbs and almost NINE YEARS OLD.

Some time away....now back to reality

We took a spur of the moment trip to St. Louis this weekend. We had enough points (from all my nights in CA) that we were able to stay at the Hampton Inn for free. Other than getting lost MANY times, we had a great time on our mini-vacation. We went to the City Museum. I have to say it was one of the neatest places I've been in a long time. Just all sorts of things to explore there. We then went to the Wax Museum. It was pretty neat. Not the best I've seen, but not bad either. Today we went to the Magic House. That was ok. A few neat things there. We also stopped to see the Big.foot monster truck. Zach was really impressed with how big it was. On the way home we had dinner at Lambert's. It's the home of the thrown rolls. It was Zach's first time and he loved it. He said "This place is CRAZY!"


We had a scary moment during our trip and it made me realize how precious life is. We were about 30 miles outside of St. Louis, headed home. Greg was driving and I was looking at pictures on the camera and thinking about all the fun we'd just had. Next thing I know I feel this hard bump and when I look up we are headed across the median and just a few feet from going into oncoming traffic. All I remember is screaming at the top of my lungs. Greg steered us back into the middle of the median and came to a stop. We were going about 70 miles an hour and Greg had all of a sudden fallen asleep. He wasn't complaining of being sleepy or I'd have taken over. It was probably the most scared I have EVER been. I still can't talk about it without crying. We came SO close to either losing our lives or being horribly injured. Thank GOD we are ok.

Greg got back on the interstate and took the next exit. Once I stopped shaking we traded places and I took over driving the rest of the way. Poor Greg was SO upset with himself. He just kept shaking his head and looking out the window. He was REAL shook up too. Zach handled it well. He didn't get upset. All he wanted to know is if we could have died.

It really made us all hug each other a little tighter tonight. How we avoided hitting someone or something OR rolling over our truck I will NEVER know. Only thing I DO know is that God was protecting us today.

So anyway, it was nice to get away and have some time as a family of 3. Now it's back to reality and back to saving our money.