Latest happenings in our world

I went last week for my weekly beta test. I will be SO glad when these are over. My number was down to 315 which is good. Hopefully just one more time and my numbers will be back to zero. (Whew!) I've heard women take months to get back to zero so I'm very pleased that it will have taken me just a little more than a month.

AF showed up just like clock work. Exactly 30 days from the date I miscarried I got AF. Glad my body isn't all jacked up and is still working right. Hopefully that cyst went right along with AF.

On the weight side I'm still losing. I'm down a total of 15lbs so far and I'm feeling SO great. My clothes are getting lose and I LOVE that feeling. Just 25lbs to go until my first goal!!! I was thinking the other day about how I'd treat myself once I got my 40lbs off. I think I'll treat myself to a massage!!! I love getting them and it will also be good to get the blood flowing before transfer. :~)

We have been super busy working on our house lately. We want to get as much done (hopefully everything) as possible before we head back to CA for another FET. Our goal is to finish everything by Jan 1 and then from then until March or April save up enough to do another FET. I'm thrilled with the way the house is looking. We've painted cabinets, put in new flooring in the living room, installed new countertops, and several other smaller projects. We've needed to do these things for a very long time, but kept putting it off thinking we'd adopt again and use the money for that instead. I finally got to a point where I said we should just fix the house and hold off on the adoption (or FET since we are doing that now) until we had the house totally fixed up. Then that would be one less worry for me while going through this next cycle.

I expect I'll be talking to Dr. K in another week or so about what we plan to do next. He told me a while back that we'd talk as soon as my numbers were back to zero. I'm curious to hear his thoughts on our decision to wait and to see what he would suggest doing next time around. I'm also hoping to talk to him about insurance. My insurance will cover up to $14k in fertility treatments, but I'm not sure if we qualify since we used donor embryos. Last time we didn't try to file on insurance because we wanted to hurry up and get the transfer done. We paid out of pocket. This time we are waiting a while so I figure it doesn't hurt to see if insurance will cover at least Dr. K's fee so that all we'll pay for is our travel.

As for emotionally I'm feeling really good. Of course I wish I was still pregnant, but I know now that there was a reason God took my babies home and I can accept that. I'm not 100% ready for another FET, but I'm sure by next year I probably will be. I think for now I'm just so focused on fixing up our house that the FET isn't really on my mind. However, I have been thinking about what we would do if this next transfer doesn't take and I'm 90% sure this transfer will be our last. Yes I know we've only done one so far, but my son will be 9 next year and I just think if this one doesn't work that it's time to stop and accept that he'll be an only child. Not the end of the world by any means, but not something I really wanted either. However, we need to move forward as a family so after this next transfer I think we're done.

All that said, I am SO expecting this time to work!!! :~) I joke with a friend of mine that I'm waiting for her (or she's waiting for me, we're not really sure). She and I met through email when we adopted our boys. We've talked via email almost daily every since (that was 9 years ago) and we've met in person a few times and taken a family vacation together as well. She's hoping to adopt again and I told her a long time ago that we'd have to adopt at the same time again. Well looks like that's God's plan because when one of us gets held up, then the other of us gets held up. So I'm hoping we BOTH get moving really soon and quit holding each other up. LOL

Latest checkup and plans for the future

I had a doctor appointment last Wednesday. My numbers were down to 1112 and I now have a cyst in my uterus. My OB said the cyst should go away on it's own after I have a few periods.

We were talking about going back to CA for another FET in January, but after doing more thinking we think it might be best if we wait until March or April instead.

We have alot of work that needs to be done on our house. We've been doing it a little here and a little there, but we really want to get everything done. So if we wait until spring for the FET, that will give us time to finish off the house.

I have lost about 100 lbs over the course of a couple of years. During the past 8 months of waiting for the FET, hormones and then the miscarriage, I gained about 30 lbs. I want to lose at least 40 lbs before we do another transfer. That will put me 60 lbs from my final goal. So taking a break will give me that time I need to get healthy as well. I started working on losing weight again two weeks ago and so far I've lost 12.8 lbs towards my 40 lb goal!

I can't say right now that I'm looking forward to another FET, but I can say I'm looking forward to getting my house and health back in order. I think THEN I'll be ready to try another FET. :)

Dropping numbers (Beta #1)

I wrestled with whether I should post this or not, but I started this blog to chronicle my journey to my next child as well as to maybe help others along the way and if I'm really telling the full story, then I need to blog about the good AND the bad.

Yesterday I went for my first dropping beta test. I found out more than I'd wanted to know really. On the 15th when I went for our U/S where we thought we'd see our baby, they did a beta test after telling me I was miscarrying. They didn't see a baby at all (only a sac). Well yesterday I was told my beta on the 15th was 5570. Do what?!?!?! The last beta number I'd been given (about a week or so earlier) was 1652. HOW did it jump so high if there was no baby?!?!? All day I was torn up inside thinking I may have forced a miscarriage of my baby who just needed a little more time before we could see him/her.

I did some research last night and read about a blighted ovum. I had the brown discharge that is a symptom of a blighted ovum. So I think that's probably what happened to me and why my numbers continued to increase and get so high. So while I still hate that our pregnancy ended this way, I'm relieved to know what may have been the cause of everything.

My OB's office called a little while ago to let me know my number from yesterday was 2158. So that's a drop of more than half in about 9 days time. It's sad, but I'm glad to see that number coming down because it means we are that much closer to having closure on this pregnancy and a beginning of another pregnancy.

It's weird to think how much I looked forward to seeing those numbers rise and now I'm ready for them to get back to zero as quickly as possible. Emotionally I'm all over the board. I'm trying to be strong so people will stop asking me if I'm ok. NO! I'm not ok! I'm sad! I know they all mean well and just want to be there for me, but unless you've been through this you can't really fully understand. It's like trying to explain infertility to someone who has 4 biological children and could get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Now that said, I KNOW this is all in God's plan and while I don't understand his reason, I know he has a reason for taking my babies to heaven. I just pray that next time he'll let us raise at least one of our precious babies here on Earth.

My next appointment is on the 6th. I'm praying that my numbers will be well below 1000 by then, but we'll just have to wait and see. I just really want to get all these hormones out of my system so I can feel normal again. I want to move forward and be able to get excited at the prospect of doing another FET.


EDITED TO ADD:

A few people asked what a blighted ovum is. Here is a link that explains. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

I don't think now that the OB had me terminate early. I did at one point, but after reading about the blighted ovum, I think this is what happened to me.

Moving forward

I spoke with my RE, Dr Kumar Wednesday night and he was so sweet. He just kept apologizing over and over. He said he really didn't expect this to happen. It was pretty obvious he was shocked by this outcome. The baby had done so good and then just stopped growing.

After discussing my options to force a miscarriage, he and I agreed that medication would be best for me. So Friday night I took my meds (including a pain killer and sleep aid) and by Saturday morning it was all over. It was such a hard thing to go through emotionally but it was much better for my body than a D&C.

Dr Kumar said he'd call me in a few weeks to discuss what step we'd like to take next. Meaning to do another transfer or stop and donate our remaining embryos back to the clinic.

Greg and I started talking about where we wanted to go from here. We have both agreed that we feel lead to try again. We still have 14 embryos waiting in CA. 6 of those are blasts.

However we've decided that we want to wait until after Christmas to do the transfer. This will give us time to save the money up to go again and will also allow us to enjoy Christmas with our son without the worry of are we pregnant or are we not.

We had just bought some new flooring and have been slowly fixing up our house. So we are going to work on that and let the house and spending time with our son be the priority for now. That should keep us busy through the wait.

I'm also excited that Greg will be going with me this time. I'm sad to leave my son again, but I know he will have a great time with my parents.

Now as for how I/we are feeling. Physically I'm feeling good. The hormones are getting out of my system and I'm starting to feel my self again. Emotionally I'm up and down. When things get quiet are the worst. It's a time I can think and I think about that horrible day and it is so upsetting. However as the days go by I'm having fewer of those moments.

Greg is doing good. He's not one to talk about his feelings. I think mostly he's worried about me. As long as I'm good he seems to be good.

We never told our son so praise God he isn't going through the loss. We just explained that the Dr said Mom is just fine, but she's just sad a little more right now. He accepts that and is the first one to bring me a tissue when I'm emotional.

I want to thank everyone for their support. Between my real life friends and family and all my blog friends, you have all been so supportive of us. So thank you for the bottom of my heart.

God bless.

My babies in Heaven

I'm now the Mom to one precious son here on earth and two precious angels in heaven. We found out today that neither of our babies continued to grow. We lost one early on (probably never attached) and today we found out the second stopped growing at 5 weeks. The brown discharge I had was the placenta pulling away from the wall because the pregnancy wasn't progressing.

While we are so sad to have lost these babies, we know they are with God. God has a bigger plan for them.

For now we will mourn the loss and hold tight to our son and each other.

The next question is obviously will we do this again. Today I don't know. For one we have to come up with the money again. If money wasn't an issue we'd go again in a heartbeat. However money is an issue so I don't know right now. Only time will tell.

Big Day Tomorrow

It's finally here. Tomorrow we will hear the heartbeat of our precious baby and finally see him/her. We are beyond excited and have waited for this day for so many years. I have my fears that we won't see a heartbeat or that there won't be a baby there, but I know I need to just stay focused and stop worrying so much. Outside of some bleeding over a week ago (which my clinic in CA says is normal) I've had no problems.

Another thing that makes tomorrow a big day is that we will finally be telling our son that he's going to have a sibling. He has wanted a brother or sister for so many years and we are finally able to give him one. He doesn't even care if he has a brother or sister, as long as he gets a sibling.

Lastly, tomorrow is the day we tell the rest of the family. DH family haven't been told up until this point for reasons I won't go into on here. Let's just say my DH was concerned about the stress they will cause me. We're still concerned, but I want to tell ALL my family and I can't until he tells his parents. So I finally convinced him it was time to tell. :~)

I'll be 7w2d tomorrow. WOW! I can't believe I've come so far. It feels like it's flown by. I know I have a long way to go, but I never dreamed I'd ever be pregnant much less over 7 weeks pregnant.

The plan for tomorrow is to go to the doctor at 9:20am. Have the ultrasound and first checkup. Then have lunch and enjoy a little couple time to celebrate the new baby. After that we'll go visit my Mom's work so she can finally tell all her co-workers. She's about the bust holding it in for so long. LOL Then will be going to visit Greg's parents and sister to tell them. By the time we've done all that, we will be picking up our son from school and we'll tell him when we get home.

It's going to be a long day, but such an exciting day. :~) Next time I post I'll have a picture to share!!!

Beta #5 - still going strong!

After 5 long days I finally got my beta results thanks to my wonderful coordinator in CA who called on my behalf because I couldn't seem to get the OB's office to call me back. The number is 1651! So I went up from 1152 to 1651!!! The coordinator said that's a good number and that even though it's not doubling I shouldn't expect it to be at this stage in my pregnancy. She said they were happy with that number and to now just wait for the ultrasound on the 15th. Praise God for yet another great day. :~)

I never dreamed when I was told that my number was 27 that I'd end up at 1651 two weeks later. I really expected that my baby wouldn't make it, but I kept praying that God would give me a miracle child that he has done. :~)

So now adding to my thankfuls list is a STRONG baby growing.