Dropping numbers (Beta #1)

I wrestled with whether I should post this or not, but I started this blog to chronicle my journey to my next child as well as to maybe help others along the way and if I'm really telling the full story, then I need to blog about the good AND the bad.

Yesterday I went for my first dropping beta test. I found out more than I'd wanted to know really. On the 15th when I went for our U/S where we thought we'd see our baby, they did a beta test after telling me I was miscarrying. They didn't see a baby at all (only a sac). Well yesterday I was told my beta on the 15th was 5570. Do what?!?!?! The last beta number I'd been given (about a week or so earlier) was 1652. HOW did it jump so high if there was no baby?!?!? All day I was torn up inside thinking I may have forced a miscarriage of my baby who just needed a little more time before we could see him/her.

I did some research last night and read about a blighted ovum. I had the brown discharge that is a symptom of a blighted ovum. So I think that's probably what happened to me and why my numbers continued to increase and get so high. So while I still hate that our pregnancy ended this way, I'm relieved to know what may have been the cause of everything.

My OB's office called a little while ago to let me know my number from yesterday was 2158. So that's a drop of more than half in about 9 days time. It's sad, but I'm glad to see that number coming down because it means we are that much closer to having closure on this pregnancy and a beginning of another pregnancy.

It's weird to think how much I looked forward to seeing those numbers rise and now I'm ready for them to get back to zero as quickly as possible. Emotionally I'm all over the board. I'm trying to be strong so people will stop asking me if I'm ok. NO! I'm not ok! I'm sad! I know they all mean well and just want to be there for me, but unless you've been through this you can't really fully understand. It's like trying to explain infertility to someone who has 4 biological children and could get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Now that said, I KNOW this is all in God's plan and while I don't understand his reason, I know he has a reason for taking my babies to heaven. I just pray that next time he'll let us raise at least one of our precious babies here on Earth.

My next appointment is on the 6th. I'm praying that my numbers will be well below 1000 by then, but we'll just have to wait and see. I just really want to get all these hormones out of my system so I can feel normal again. I want to move forward and be able to get excited at the prospect of doing another FET.


EDITED TO ADD:

A few people asked what a blighted ovum is. Here is a link that explains. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

I don't think now that the OB had me terminate early. I did at one point, but after reading about the blighted ovum, I think this is what happened to me.