Just rambling and my baby boy turning 9

It's been MONTHS since my last transfer (March to be exact) and I have yet to see a full flow period.  Until I put my body through hormone hell I was as regular as clock work.  Now I have a little here and a little there.  I found a couple of weeks of birth control I had left from my first transfer so I decided to take it and see if after I stopped if it would force my body into a regular period.  I have two more days of active pills so we will see soon I hope.

My weight is staying within the same few pounds.  No matter what I do I can't seem to lose weight.  I was doing low carb for a while and although my clothes didn't feel as tight, I didn't lose a single pound.  :~(  I've fought my weight my whole life, but usually I could lose weight if I changed this or that.  Now....not happening.

As for transfer plans I'm still struggling to get excited about going again.  I just really don't want to go anymore.  I keep saying that over and over in my posts, but it's honestly the truth.  My desire to get pregnant is gone.  As for more children, I still would give anything to have just one more child, but I can finally say I'd also be ok if we were just a family of three.  Zach wouldn't like that so much though.  He wants a sibling SO bad.  It makes me sad for him.

We are still working to pay off the money that was spent on our A/C unit.  I can't complain because I'm so blessed to even have A/C, but it is taking us a while to pay it off.  Until it's paid all mention of transfers is on hold.  Greg asked the other day when we would be going back to CA.  I told him it's not even something I want to talk about until we have the A/C unit paid off, but my goal is to be able to go back end of September or October.  We will see how that works out.....

My baby boy will be celebrating his 9th birthday next week.  While I love watching him grow up, I'm also sad to see him grow up.  I so vividly remember the first time I got to hold this little tiny 9 month old baby.  He could barely sit up and didn't crawl much.  Just the tiniest little thing.  I NEVER thought he'd grow.  LOL  Now he's about 4' 4" and probably 55-60lbs and almost NINE YEARS OLD.

Some time away....now back to reality

We took a spur of the moment trip to St. Louis this weekend. We had enough points (from all my nights in CA) that we were able to stay at the Hampton Inn for free. Other than getting lost MANY times, we had a great time on our mini-vacation. We went to the City Museum. I have to say it was one of the neatest places I've been in a long time. Just all sorts of things to explore there. We then went to the Wax Museum. It was pretty neat. Not the best I've seen, but not bad either. Today we went to the Magic House. That was ok. A few neat things there. We also stopped to see the Big.foot monster truck. Zach was really impressed with how big it was. On the way home we had dinner at Lambert's. It's the home of the thrown rolls. It was Zach's first time and he loved it. He said "This place is CRAZY!"


We had a scary moment during our trip and it made me realize how precious life is. We were about 30 miles outside of St. Louis, headed home. Greg was driving and I was looking at pictures on the camera and thinking about all the fun we'd just had. Next thing I know I feel this hard bump and when I look up we are headed across the median and just a few feet from going into oncoming traffic. All I remember is screaming at the top of my lungs. Greg steered us back into the middle of the median and came to a stop. We were going about 70 miles an hour and Greg had all of a sudden fallen asleep. He wasn't complaining of being sleepy or I'd have taken over. It was probably the most scared I have EVER been. I still can't talk about it without crying. We came SO close to either losing our lives or being horribly injured. Thank GOD we are ok.

Greg got back on the interstate and took the next exit. Once I stopped shaking we traded places and I took over driving the rest of the way. Poor Greg was SO upset with himself. He just kept shaking his head and looking out the window. He was REAL shook up too. Zach handled it well. He didn't get upset. All he wanted to know is if we could have died.

It really made us all hug each other a little tighter tonight. How we avoided hitting someone or something OR rolling over our truck I will NEVER know. Only thing I DO know is that God was protecting us today.

So anyway, it was nice to get away and have some time as a family of 3. Now it's back to reality and back to saving our money.

Preparing My Body

We are pretty sure we will be going back to CA in September (October that the latest).  So in the meantime I've been getting my body back in shape.  I gained probably 30lbs in the last year and a half since we started doing all the shots and stuff for our very first transfer.  If I'm not really careful with what I eat I gain weight very easy.  (Thank you SO very much PCOS.  NOT!)  Since I'm on hold for another transfer I figured it was high time I got this weight back off and get the scale moving in the right direction again.

This week I started a low carb/ high protein diet.  I'm following my own plan.  It's not like Atkins or anything like that.  I'm eating little to no bread, pasta, etc.  Instead I'm eating lots of lean meats, fish, and chicken along with having a protein shake every afternoon.  I've done a low carb diet before and after about 3 days my body is SO tired.  I know it's all due to the carb withdrawals.  I'm going through that today, but I also know that after a couple days like that then I'll have tons of energy and feel so much better.  I already feel less bloated.

So for the next 3-4 months I'm going to focus on eating better and getting at least some form of exercise 3-4 days a week so I can get these extra pounds off and be healthier for when we get ready to transfer my babies.  =) 

A few less things to worry about

It looks like somethings around my house are looking up finally.  =)  As I type the A/C guy is on his way to install me a brand new unit.  YAY!!!  Praise the Lord!!!  Thanks to the help of my wonderful parents who loaned me half the money, we are able to have the new unit put in.  Now of course I'll need to pay my parents back, but with my bonus check I get in July I should be able to pay them back next month.

I also contacted Dr. K's office about the letter I got from my insurance that stated that they needed some sort of codes to process my request for reimbursment.  The lady at Dr. K's office said she would refile it for me and when they got the money they would send me a check!!!!  Woohoo!!!  That should be about $1500-$1800 we get back.  =)

We finally got our pool water cleared up.  It's been cloudy looking since we filled it up and I hadn't been able to figure out what was wrong.  I was getting really frustrated.  Well come to find out my sweet hubby had switched the filter to circulate instead of filter.  LMBO  So once I figured that out we now have crystal clear pool water!!!  =)

We are also planning a BIG vacation.  Greg and I talked last night and we want to take a big vacation for our 15th anniversary.  That gives us two years to save.  Even though it's for our anniversary it will also be a family trip.  So we will be taking Zach (and any other children we may have) too.....HAWAII!!!!!  I can't wait!!!  We are going to start saving January 2012.  We plan to invite some good friends of ours and their kids to go with us.  That is if they want to go.  We had a blast with them at Disneyland a few years ago so we hope they might like to join us on our 2014 trip.

So anyway I'm feeling so much better these days than I have in a very long time.  CA is still on the horizon, but for now I want to just live life and focus on the son I have already with me instead of the 12 that are still frozen in CA.  As soon as we pay off this A/C unit though, I'll be back to saving for the CA trip so I can go get 3 or 4 more of our precious babies out of the freezer.  =)

My crazy life

Wow it's been a while since I posted last and so much has been going on.  I fully expected to be into my next cycle by now.  Unfortunately we have had to spend all of our FET money and are back to square one.  First of all AF has not ever fully come since before my last transfer in March.  My doctor says it will come and just give my body time, but I'm getting concerned honestly.  I've had spotting on and off the whole time, but none of what they call "full flow" which is what I need to start my next transfer.

So it's looking like we might be able to go in September for our last transfer (IF AF every shows up).  Everyone is so sure the devil is just causing all these problems to distract us and keep us down and so they have been praying that God won't allow that to happen.  Me on the other hand, I'm SO ready to give up.  Greg, Mom, Dad, and a couple friends keep telling me to keep going because this is the one, but I'm not so sure.  I just want to move on with my life and my family.  Miscarriage is SO hard both mentally and physically.  All the hormones are SO hard on my body too.  I'm just now starting to feel half way normal again.  Those telling me to keep going have NO clue what I've been through.  None of them have ever had a miscarriage.  None of them have ever had to take hormone shots.  Who are they to tell me to keep going?!?!?!  Then on the other hand maybe they are the voice of reason.  Maybe they are the ones that God is poking at because he knows poking at me doesn't work anymore.  I want to follow his will, but I'm tired.  Tired of fighting, tired of shots, tired of flying to CA, tired dealing with miscarriage.  I'm just T-I-R-E-D.

Anyway it's been so crazy these days.  First our A/C went out last Friday.  We were told about a year ago that if it went out again we'd need a whole new A/C unit.  Well it lasted all of one more year.  :(  We had Sears come out for an estimate.  What a rip off!!!  They wanted to charge us $7800!!!!  I then called a friend of mine's A/C guy and he said he would do it for $3000.  Much less money, but still money we don't have because we've been spending all our money going back and forth to CA.  Here we are a week later and we are using window A/C units in our living room and bedroom while Zach sleeps on a matteress in our bedroom floor.  UGH!  THIS is what trying to have another child has done to my family!!!!  THIS is why I want to quit!!!!

Then there are my inlaws.  They are the inlaws from Hell to put it lightly.  They want to see Zach and we have refused to let them.  Greg won't even answer their calls anymore.  They have verbally abused Greg and me for years and had started doing the same to Zach and that's when we cut all ties.  Last week we got a certified letter.  It was a handwritten letter from them stating that they had tried to contact us and we wouldn't talk to them and if we didn't want to be a part of their family that was fine, but that they want to see Zach.  Then stated we should contact them with good or bad news.  Ok, well......sorry but you won't be seeing MY son.  You have treated him like dirt.  You call him a snake, threaten to give him more of his ADHD medication because he's being "bad", tell him if his parents die you will raise him, tell him she is a better Mother than me, whip him almost daily (when he stayed every other week over the summer) because he was being "too loud", don't allow him to play with his toys, make him do yard and house work for you, and the list goes on and on.  That's just what you've done to MY son.  Not including what you've done to me and YOUR son.  Now why in the world would we want to let you see him.  REALLY?!?!?!?

Oh and they are threatening to file for grandparents rights.  First of all that law doesn't apply to this situation.  Second, go right ahead!!!  I'll fight you til my dying day to protect MY son from you!!!!  You won't hurt my son like you hurt YOUR son.  Let me bring out the pictures of you with your 14 year old when ya'll were enjoying a beer together.  Let me tell a judge how you drink and drive to this day even though your youngest son was killed in a drinking and driving accident.  Let me tell a judge about how you argued with me when my son was just 2 years old about giving him "a little sip" of your margarita.  Take us to court (IF you can get anyone to listen to you)!  Let me call all the witnesses to how you've treated your OWN son over the years.  BRING IT ON!!!!

Then in with all this mess there is a girl who I was best friends with in junior high and then we lost touch and found each other recently on Face.book.  She's down on her luck so I've helped her a few times.  Well now I've caught her in three lies in the last couple of weeks.  I HATE to be lied to.  You can do a lot of things, but don't lie to me.  I feel so betrayed!!!  I call very few people my friends.  I "know" alot of people, but you got to be really close to me to be called a friend.  I thought she was a friend, but boy was I wrong!  This is NOT what I need right now.

My life is all over the board right now and all I want is some peace.  I certainly don't need to be trying to have a baby right now with all this stress in my life.  Especially when Dr K says you need to do your best to be stress free.  Stress free right now is a word I don't understand.  My life is too crazy right now.  Hopefully by September it will be better and I can go back to CA one last time and then be done with this.

Waiting & Memorial Weekend

I've waited all of May for AF to arrive so I would finally have to decide if we were going back to CA or not.  Now that I've finally made the decision to honor Greg's wishes and go back one last time, AF just won't come.  I emailed the coordinator at the clinic today to ask what I should do and she told me to "just wait and it will come".  UGH!!!  Yet again something out of my control.

I was cleaning out some things in our room this morning and found the picture of my last 2 embryos.  It made me sad, but it was the first time I didn't cry when I saw them.  Maybe I'm finally getting over that hump.  I sure hope so.  I hate feeling so down.  It really scared me when I was bad.

I guess my biggest reason for wanting to know when is about the money.  I have all but $400 of the money I need already in my bank account.  However we just finished fixing our pool and we need some supplies to build some steps so that I can get in and out of the pool  (no more pool ladders for me!  I hurt myself really bad a few years ago on a ladder and haven't been on one since).  I don't want to spend into my trip money though just in case AF comes and we are able to get started in the next week or so.  Decisions, decisions.  I want to swim SO bad.  I love swimming.  It's probably the only exercise that I truly enjoy.

It is Memorial weekend.  Normally it's pretty quiet around our house on this holiday.  However, we decided to have a cookout with my parents.  Greg is going to fix his famous ribs.  (YUMMY!)  We will also have baked beans and potato salad.  Mom's bringing a dessert.  Should be a fun time of eating some great food and visiting with my parents.  Also a good time to get my mind off things.

Putting things into prospective

I've been on this woe is me pity party for months.  I've convinced myself not to go back to CA again (even though Greg doesn't agree and has asked me to go one more time).  I've even told myself over and over that I'm wasting time and money because it's not going to work anyway.  Like I said, HUGE pity party.

Yesterday I was reading the blog of a lady I've followed for a long time.  She is the one who actually told me about Dr. K in the first place.  Anyway her blog referenced another blog of a lady that needed pray.  I went to that blog and began reading.  Come to find out, this lady was blessed with triplets.  Those little boys are 6 months old.  The other day one was laid down for a nap and when she went to check on him he was on his stomach and not responsive.  Long story short they are doing tests on him now to see if he is brain dead.  (They are pretty sure his soul is already gone.)

I read pages and pages this lady had posted over the last several days and what caught my attention was how much she leaned on God for strength and how she held out such high hopes that her son would recover.  I read where she said he would never be the same, but as long as he was with them that's all that mattered.  Unfortunately it looks like he will pass away very soon (once they unhook the machines).  However even in their grief, they are donating every organ possible.

Reading this lady's blog really put things into prospective for me.  While yes I have a right to mourn the loss of my babies, I seem to have forgotten to praise God that I got to carry those babies even if for a short while.  I also have forgotten to praise God for the beautiful son I have here on Earth with me.  Instead of giving up hope that I'll get pregnant and keep a pregnancy next time, I should be praising God for the finances to do another transfer and praying that he lets me keep at least one of my babies on Earth this time.

I can't even imagine what that lady is going through, but she has truly helped me put things in prospective and realize that I need to get my head out of the sand, hold it up high, and remember that no matter what God has EVERYTHING under control.